accumulation of the little things
by kristy87
Summary: The accumulation of little things leads to an explosion of feelings GS Pairing Chapter 15 is up now...FINISHED
1. in the middle of the night

Summary: the accumulation of little things leads to and explosion.

Pairing: **GS** only, I am a shipper!

AN: I really, really tried to stay in character this time… I know that it didn't work completely…but I really gave my best…I just can't help it, if we'd stay in character with fan fic a relationship between Grissom and Sara would be impossible (at the moment, lets cross thumbs for some changes in Grissom that lead to a revelation of his love for Sara)…let's face the truth…and I think character development is not completely OOC, as long as we don't turn Grissom into an Elvis double…

Disclaimer: I own nothing

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**Accumulation of the little things **

Chapter one: in the middle of the night 

It was in the middle of the shift, Sara entered his office, knocked on the doorframe and threw a warm smile at him. "Hey…can we talk?", she asked softly.

He swallowed hard. _About what does she want to talk? Something personal? She has that look in her eyes, that 'I'm getting personal' look_. "Sure…but…you know it's a busy night and…I have a lot of paperwork to do and…"

"…it's not important…so…if you want we can talk later too."

_Now I was too harsh…wasn't I? Great, now she thinks I am not longer interested in her problems…and what does she mean with later? Later after the shift? Later after I managed the paperwork? Later this week, this months? Later this night? At her home? I wouldn't know what to do, if she asks me to come to her home again…I would lie if I'd say that I don't want to go there…but I can't do this…Sara is a wonderful person, every man could be glad to have her affection…I can't be…the fact that I know that she likes me more than just a boss…that made it all so much more difficult._

"Grissom?"

He looked up to her. "Sorry…I was lost in thoughts for a second…you know what,…I can take a break with that…just take a seat and tell me what's up." _Talking here is better than talking somewhere else…talking with her isn't good at all…because each time that I am listening to what she tells me, she gets the feeling that I care for her…I don't want her to think that I care for her…she shouldn't know that her supervisor cares for her, in a way he shouldn't care for her. _

Sara took a seat and looked at him. "It's….it's about…", she brushed through her hair with her right hand.

_Why is she doing this? Does she want me to feel attracted to her? Does she want me to see how beautiful…wonderful…her hair is? I know how beautiful she is…that's what makes it that much more different…I know her…the fact that I ever met her made my whole life so much more complicated! It was all okay before…I never felt stupid when I was in a room with a beautiful woman, I never felt butterflies in my stomach when I was with any woman before…and then I saw her, sitting in the front row of the audience room…it was as if she was lip reading every word I said…and then I made the biggest mistake in my whole life, I asked her to work for me! I should have known what a torture this would be for me…I should have known that seeing her everyday would turn me into an emotional wreck. I should have known that, knowing that I can't have her the way I want to have her and seeing her everyday, seeing her being close to me…knowing that she is affected to me, knowing that she cares for me…, would drive me crazy…one day I wont be able to handle this anymore…one day I will have to send her away or I will have to leave…_

"…uhm Grissom…are you listing to me?"

"Sorry…I…"

"…you were lost in thoughts again…is this about a case? Are you going to let me in on it?"

"It's not about a case...it's personal."

"Personal? Did Gil Grissom just admit that he has some personal stuff going on? You have a personal life?"

"Thanks for the sarcasm…I really don't need _that_ at the moment." _What die she mean with that? Does she really think I have nothing but work in my mind? Does she really think that I don't have any personal stuff? I mean she must at least know that I…_

"Gil…I really need you to listen to me…it's important!", she spoke softly.

"Okay.", _hell what does she want to talk about! Just a few minutes ago she said it wasn't important! There is it again…she thinks I am not at all interested in her…next time she'd probably not even try to talk to me…and she pretends to be stronger than she is…why does she always think she has to do this? Does she think I wouldn't accept her if she shows emotions? I must give this feeling to a lot of people...everybody thinks that I have no personal life, everybody thinks I am only interested in my job…or in bugs…and everybody thinks I am not a bit interested in them…Is this what I wanted to reach? Is this the way I want to live? The way that I really want to live! _

"…what do you think about that?"

He swallowed hard. _Damn it! You didn't listen to her again…if you tell her that you didn't listen to her she will probably throw that chair in your face…what would be understandable…if I tell her that I think her that she is right about what ever she said and if she just asked me to have a shower with her then…this would be more than negative…and if I tell her that we should talk about this later again then…I would have to talk to her again…somewhere else, because telling her to talk in my office about the same thing again later this night would be…something she wouldn't accept._

"Okay…Grissom I got it…you didn't listen to me again…you know what…forget about it!", she stood up angry and was about to leave his office.

_You can't let her go now…not when she is angry. Do something! Damn it Gil Grissom, you don't want her to be angry or mad at you…_ "Sara…don't leave, please."

"Why should I stay…tell me, why should I stay?"

"I promise I will listen…I swear I will listen."

She rolled with her eyes, but she didn't leave his office, she walked over to his desk, standing in front of him. "You swear?"

"Yes…take a seat and talk."

"I prefer standing…it's easier to leave as fast as possible if you're already standing…you should know that, shouldn't you?…you know how to get out of everything as fast as possible."

_What the hell does she mean with that! When did I ever search for the fastest way out! Maybe I am not always taking the way into something…I would admit this, maybe, one day…but I am never ever searching the fastest way out of something!_

"Okay…you are not going to answer that…it was a rhetorical question anyways…back to the main topic…I was just telling you that I think that I can nail the suspect for the 419 in Henderson that I was working on…I don't have DNA evidence, because he cleaned up the whole scene…but I found traces of the same bleach that was used at the crime scene in his apartment…and I found things from the victim's house in his house…things that have been in the victim's house until the night she was killed. A close friend said that the things had been in the victim's house the evening of her death…so, due to the fact that we know that statues and picture frames can't walk, I think the murderer took some souvenirs."

"How did you get a warrant to search his house without any DNA traces?"

"The suspect had no alibi, he had a motive and he has been seen at the crime scene half an hour after the TOD."

"This places your suspect at the crime scene, but it doesn't mean he killed her…he could have found the corpse and ran away."

"Sure…taking souvenirs without any reason."

"Maybe he was just a burglar."

"This would still not explain the traces of bleach all over his apartment. I took samples from all places where I found bleach at his place, it was always the same, and it's the same as the one used at the crime scene…yes you _could _say maybe suspect and murderer just use the same type of bleach, but this is 'chem. Lab only' bleach…only sold to chemical laboratories, only sold to one company in Vegas, this company belongs to the suspect…the bleach in the suspects house is explained by this…the reason for this type of bleach at the crime scene is easy, he was there and used it."

"What's his motive?"

"Victim was his former fiancée, they separated…or better said she left without telling him. According to her best friend he called her after he found out, telling her he'd kill her for destroying his reputation."

_Damn it…she is good_. "Can I see the file?"

Sara nodded. "Sure.", she leaned forward and handed him the file.

His hand softly striped hers when he reached for the file. _Her skin is so soft…I wish I could touch her more often. God did I just think this? I am not allowed to think like this! She is my subordinate, hell…she…I am not allowed to feel something for her! Not something like this! I am supposed to care for her in the way a good supervisor should care for his subordinates…but not the way I feel I should care for her personally. Not after all that already happened and didn't happen between us. _

"Uhm…Grissom? You okay?"

He looked up to her again. "Sure…"

"…you have something, don't you? I something wrong?…Did I do something wrong?"

_The only thing that you do wrong is that you are so damned wonderful. If you wouldn't be the way you are…if you wouldn't be the first person that ever made me feel butterflies flying around in my stomach, if you wouldn't be the first woman I ever wanted to care for…maybe I would be okay. I wish I wouldn't have to lie to you. I wish I wouldn't have to pretend that I don't feel something for you…but I will never change…never. I just can't change. Changing would mean giving up a part of my life…and I am afraid that I would loose more in the end than I could win…you will loose your interest in me…I am a boring person and I am much too old for you…you wouldn't understand...Honey you wouldn't understand it…I wish I could explain this to you…but I can't, because telling you that we will never have a chance to be together would mean that I have to stop dreaming of you._

"Okay…I get it…you wont talk…You know what…I wouldn't want to hear it anyways."

She slammed the door shut when she left his office. Grissom sighed. Trying to focus on his paperwork, but he just couldn't forget about Sara Sidle, Sara Sidle, who he began to dream of again, again like almost each time in the middle of the night.


	2. black coffee

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

AN: I wish I would know what to write as AN but…well…just enjoy reading : ) Oh and I really hope you'll like that chap : )

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**Chapter 2: black coffee **

She walked into the café, ordering a coffee to take out. She leaned against the counter with her back, while the clerk was preparing the coffee. She glanced around the room and suddenly spotted a familiar face. A soft smile flashed over her lips. When the clerk handed her the coffee she paid it, not taking it out, but walking over to Grissom.

He was focussed on the magazine he read. Not even noticing that she sat down on the bench in front of him.

"Hey.", she said softly.

He glanced over the top of the magazine. _What is she doing here? What? Can't she just leave me alone? Doesn't she know that I hate it when somebody disrupts me while I am drinking my coffee and reading in my magazine! No…how should she know…I never tell anything to anybody._ "Hey.", he hoped she hadn't noticed that he had looked up to her for a second. "It's your day off…why are you awake at 7 AM?"

"Coffee was out…and…well actually I was too lazy to buy some and cook some and…so I went here…it's not more than a minute afoot away from my apartment…and they make the best coffee ever here…so…I thought it would be the best to simply buy some coffee here."

He smiled softly, putting down the magazine. His eyes wandered over her body, overlooking her. She wore a dark red track suit, her hair was back in a ponytail, she wore no make up, but looked incredible beautiful. _Don't even think that Gil! You are not allowed to think that! She is your subordinate! You are not allowed to think something like this about her. Hell…that zipper of her jacket is low…a few centimetres more and…no don't even think about how… _the image of her bare chest flew through his mind. .._okay, great…now you better don't stand up…_he cleared his throat. "So…you stand up early?"

"I actually couldn't sleep all night.", she said, taking a look on the magazine.

_I better had never laid down this God damned magazine! Then I wouldn't have had to look at her. Then I wouldn't be in that situation right now! Hell if she is not closing that zipper soon I can't guarantee for anything anymore! Hell Gil, stay strong! That's disgusting, you're sitting in a café, with your subordinate, you shouldn't think of things like this! You shouldn't….imagine her without wearing any clothes…lying in your bed…and…Oh my God…Stop thinking this! Stop!_ He tried to focus on something else. But the thoughts of her, lying awake in her bed all night that ran through his head now weren't really helping him.

She now held the magazine in her hands, flicking through the pages. "What were you reading?"

_Oh thank God! Thank God for giving Sara Sidle her interest in science magazines! Thank God for making her change the subject!_ "I read…the article about…", _oh no! You read an article about the exploration about sexual maturation of insects! She will start talking about Bugsex and…._

"Gil?"

_Did she just call me Gil? Why is she not calling me Grissom? She never calls me Gil! She never did! What does she want to reach with this!_ He looked up from the table, his eyes automatically looking at the zipper again. He swallowed hard, forcing his eyes to look up to her face. "Yeah?"

"Are you going to finish your sentence?"

He cleared his throat again. "Well….yeah…I read the article on pages 36 and following.", he said softly, hoping she wouldn't ask anymore questions, praying she wouldn't look up the page and read the article.

"What was it about?"

Great… 

She looked at him, waiting for an answer, realizing that he probably was lost in thoughts again she flicked through the pages of the magazine until she had reached page 36.

_No! No please don't do that! Don't read that! Don't start talking about it! _

"Is this article about…", she made a pause. "…bugsex?"

_Great! I hate my life! Now I have to talk about this with her! Okay…Gil find the easiest way out of this…she should be used to that_. "I don't think so."

"Well but here it says …I quote _'the sexual maturation climax of this specific species is reached in the second third of it's life…from then on they are able to procreate…there is no sexual activity before the point of climax in their maturation.'_ …sorry but this sounds pretty much like bugsex for me."

_Did she really have to read this out loud? Did she really have to turn a mouse into an elephant? Did she really…put me in such a damned embarrassing situation!_

"Somehow this makes me glad that I am not a bug…I mean…just imagine! The average human being reaches the age of 76, the female ones, and the male ones are about 72…and…I mean…just imagine you wouldn't able to have sex until you are 42…hell this would be horrible."

_Did she just say this! _

"Just imagine this! Horrible!"

"Well…for them it works."

Her eyes widened, she stared at him. "Oh my God Gil…you have had sex before you got 42 didn't you!"

_DID SHE JUST ASK THIS! _"I am not going to talk about this."

"Don't tell me you are still a virgin!", she said laughing.

_Okay…this wont work. Not talking wont work. _"If you really want to know this, I lost my virginity when I was 16." _Great, now you told her something personal, you told her something about your sex life, what's even worse…but the worst is now she will start talking about this even more._

"Huh…I was already afraid that you were_ really _a virgin."

"Very funny."

"No…I honestly mean this…I mean I have sex since I am 17, I would not die without it …but…it's something every person needs….I mean not necessarily to survive…but…it's important…you know what I mean."

_No, no, no! I didn't want to know this! I really didn't want to know since when Sara Sidle is no virgin anymore! I didn't want to know that! _

"And these poor bugs can't have sex before they reached the third part of their lives…that's so sad."

"Most animals don't have sex for fun Sara…they do it to keep their race alive…and it was meant to be the same with human beings." He leaned forward to take the magazine out of her hands, but she refused to give it back to him, shifting her weight on her elbows, she was pressing her breasts closer together, so that Grissom got an unmeant insight into her décolleté. He swallowed hard, trying to get his eyes stop looking at her, trying to block those thoughts of her out of his head.

"I didn't finish that article jet…so don't disturb me from reading."

He sighed and leaned back against the back of the bench. Never taking his eyes off of her while she was reading. _Hell…did this really happen? Could I embarrass myself like this? If she's going to talk about this to anyone…oh my God! I mean she told everybody when Greg lost his virginity after she had found out…and I guess Greg is less interesting for the rumors kitchen than the supervisor is! I will have to pay her hush-money or something like this…just asking her to not tell anyone wont be enough…okay, at least loosing my virginity with 16 is average…I'm not as bad as Greg…no way they can make fun of me because of this…but…hell I should have never told her…but then she would have told everybody that I never lost my virginity….would be even worse…damn it, she looks so cute in that track suit…but she'd look better without it….oh no…don't think of this! …17…she was 17…guess she was one of those girls who wanted to wait for the 'right guy'…if I would have waited for the right one I would still be a virgin…and I would probably always be…did that zipper just open even more? Don't look there Gil! Try to look somewhere else!_ He stared into his coffee cup. Taking a sip, trying to focus on it.

"What are you thinking?", her soft voice ripped him out of his thoughts once again.

"Zipper." _Damn it! This is not what you wanted to say!_

"What?"

"Sip…I intended to say that…I need another sip of my coffee…and that I probably should order another one." …_great….the Oscar for the lamest try to get out of a horrible, awkward situation goes to Gil Grissom._

"Yeah but you said 'zipper'."

"You got that wrong."

"I don't think so…so whose zipper where you thinking about?"

"I didn't think about any zippers…hell…", he glanced around for the clerk, then signalised the woman to come over.

She arrived and threw an asking look at Grissom. "Can I help you sir?"

"A coffee please…black."

"And the lady?"

"The same.", Sara grinned.

The clerk left.

Grissom reached for the magazine, this time Sara didn't notice that he took it away…he opened a random page of it and pretended to read. Knowing that she was observing everything he did. _Why did she come here? Why did I come here? 'They cook the best coffee in town'…why do I like coffee that much that I had to go here? It's just coffee…hell! I should have cooked my own at home, or I should just have left…taking the coffee out…not sitting around here and…I should have known she might come here! It had been her and Greg who told me about this café! Damn it! And now she is looking at me…I can feel her eyes on me. I should make an excuse and leave…I shouldn't have ordered that second coffee…that was just stupid! I mean…I could have said that I have to go…and then I could have just stand up and leave my seat…but No…No Gil Grissom had to order a second cup of coffee…why do I never think of something like this? …and she ordered a second coffee too…that means we will, again, have to spend about as much as time together as before…I will have to spend that time with her!_ He swallowed hard, accepting the coffee the clerk handed him.

His eyes were caught by Sara again, she took a sip of her coffee, grimacing. "Szhit …that'zs hot."

He chuckled.

"That'zs not funny! My tongue hurtsz."

"Sorry but….you sound so sweet.", _she really sounds sweet…and she looks so sweet…so beautiful, so…wonderful…please don't think this Gil! You can't think of her that way…you can't!_

"Sztop laughing! Or I will tell everybody about our little szecret!"

"Our what?"

"Szecret!"

Grissom was laughing so hard that he was unable to control his breath.

"You are an idiot!…Just wait…and see…everybody at the lab…oh hey…I can talk normal again…s ssss….", she grinned.

He grinned too. Feeling his heart beating fast, feeling butterflies in his stomach, thinking about how cute she was, thinking about her and him…how much fun he could have with her…how happy he might be. The pain caused by the fact that he knew that he could never be with her soon took over and ended his good mood phase. He stared down on the table.

"Hey…don't worry…I wont tell anybody about this…as long as you keep your mouth shut about this too."

"It's not that…sorry…but I think I have to go now."

"Oh…okay.", she nodded softly.

He saw the disappointment in her eyes, he wished he could have stayed, but he knew that…staying here with her any longer would hurt even more, every single second of happiness with her caused hours of pain in that he had to realize over and over again, that there would never be a chance for him to be really happy with the only woman that he

probably ever had feelings for.

"Something is wrong isn't it?"

"No Sara…everything is alright."

She shook her head and left her place. "No Grissom…nothing is alright…why do you always give me the feeling that…you don't want to be near me…what…please tell me what did I do wrong?", she sounded desperate.

"You did anything wrong…I just…have a lot of work to do and…"

"You know what... I should maybe not care…this is your business, not mine and…you don't want other people in your life…I will have to accept that…I doubt it will be worth trying it any longer but…I wont give up.", she forced a smile and left.

_One day I will have to tell her the truth…one day I will have to tell her the truth about the way I feel for her…but today is not 'one day' and I hope 'one day' will never ever come…she wont understand me…I know that she wouldn't be able to understand it…I can't even understand it completely…why should she?…She wouldn't understand any of the thoughts that run through my head while drinking an innocent cup of black coffee with her…she wouldn't understand._

_

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_

**TBC**

**I would apreciate some reviews : )**


	3. first steps

**AN: **this chapter is probably long….. : ) I hope you like it anyways….thousand thanks to inlya! She helped me with the idea for this chapter! Thank you so much!...and sorry for the late update, I had a huge writing blocade...and well...simply tried to avoid to think of fic to find new ideas...

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**First steps**

Shift was over, getting away from the lab was all he wanted now. It wasn't the fact that Sara had that soft grin on her lips, that let the memories of yesterday return, it was more the fact, that each time he saw her, he had to think how she had looked in that track suit…or better said, the memory of the low zipper and the memories of what he had thought were torturing him…not the fact that these thoughts of a woman existed in his head, it was that bad because he had those thoughts of her. It was hard working with her all night when all he wanted was doing something inappropriate with her.

He was about to leave his office when he heard footsteps behind him._ Don't let it be her, please don't let it be her. _He knew it was her, but maybe praying would turn her into Warrick in the last second…_hell, this shouldn't happen in one of my dreams at night,_ he thought grinning softly, _would be the worst nightmare I ever had._

"Hey.", the sound of her soft voice send little showers of sensations down his body. He turned around.

"Hey…still here?"

"Yeah…I had to finish a report…you're on your way home?"

"Yeah…was about to leave."

She nodded softly, biting down on her bottom lip.

_She looks so cute when she's doing this! No, don't think this…if she starts playing with that strand of her that's…._

Sara bent her head softly to the side, beginning to twist a strand of her around her finger subconsciously.

…_hanging into her face…great!…_

She brushed her hand through her hair.

…_not again…does she know how crazy this drives me? If she's doing this deliberately I am going to…no I can't punish a woman who is…so beautiful…_he sighed softly. "I really have to go now."

She forced a soft smile. "I…I wanted to ask you something."

_She wants to ask me something? Please not about something that has to do with yesterday! Or worse something that has to do with me…what was the worst question she had ever asked me?…If I want to sleep with her? Well she meant this as a …metaphor…and it was easy to get out of that…If I want to have dinner with her….yes, this was the worst…I couldn't get out of that one without hurting her feelings…somehow it seems that I will never get out of that weird thing that is between me and her without hurting her feelings…I know that I should tell her that I have….feelings….for her…but….this would mean that…I would have to tell her…about my feelings…_he swallowed hard.

"Did you finish thinking?"

"What?", _what the hell does she mean with that? About what does she think I thought? How did she knew I was lost in thoughts again?…okay I didn't say anything for a while I guess…so…me lost in thoughts again would be an easy guess._

"Can I ask you now? And believe me…it wont be as horrible as you probably thought…not the worst case scenario you just made up in your head."

_How does she know I was probably thinking about what she might ask me…or was this just a joke?…does she actually joke? I mean she is a humorous person, isn't she…she makes jokes often…maybe what happened yesterday was just a joke too…_his eyes widened, _did she leave that zipper opened on purpose!_

"Grissom?"

"Yes…yes…ask.", he said turning around at the same time to lock his office door.

"It's about yesterday."

_NO,_ it was as if a voice in his head was shouting it…_NO!_

"More precisely about the magazine…I wanted to know if you can borrow it to me."

A weight fell from his shoulders_. Thank God…she only wants to borrow that damned magazine…for what does she want to…she wont copy that article and…comment on it in front of the others, would she? She wouldn't make notes on a copy and…pin it on the message board would she? Notes like…notes that might reveal something personal? Even if it's just for fun? She wouldn't do this, would she? She doesn't make such kind of jokes, would she? She…she likes those jokes…you have to think of something else Gil! She is a criminalist and scientist, she's probably only interested in reading the whole magazine._

"Sure…I have it at home…I'll give it to you tomorrow."

"But I wont be here tomorrow…remember? I took the day off because I have this doctors appointment later this day and…"

_Doctors appointment? And the need to take off a day afterwards? Is she ill! Is something wrong with her! Is it something serious! It must be if she has to take a day off afterwards! Oh my God!_

She recognized the shocked and worried expression in his eyes. "They are going to pull out two of my wisdom teeth…nothing serious…but well the dentist said I shouldn't drive and work afterwards…because of the anaesthesia…but actually I already told you this about two months ago."

_Did she? _

"I guess you were 'lost in thoughts' when I did so…like always…", she sighed. "…maybe you…should change this being lost in thoughts thing…because…I'm not the only one who's pissed off."

_Pissed off? Why? I mean, she's the only one who…she is the reason why I am lost in thoughts all the time…doing something about this would mean I have to fire her…I bet she wouldn't like that at all…I bet she would be even more pissed off._

"So…is there any chance I could get that magazine earlier…I already read all the stuff I have at home and…Discovery Channel usually bores me after a few hours."

_How can one be bored by Discovery Channel? They show great things about bugs and insects sometimes…_he cleared his throat, _What did she mean with getting it earlier? Does she want me to drive home and bring it to her apartment! That would mean that I'd have to see her after shift, that would mean I would have to go to her apartment…to her home…to her…_

"I could…come around at your house and pick it up.", she offered.

_Sara coming to my house! Sara Sidle coming to my house! No way! Never! _

"If you disagree then say something instead of having this panicked expression in your eyes."

"I…sorry I…", _now she's angry…I don't want her to be angry! _

"…it's okay…I will tell the cab driver to stop at the library…maybe I find a book about science I didn't read so far…we can always dream right.", she said with a huge portion of sarcasm in her voice.

"Taxi driver?"

"Well….my car is in the garage…there's something wrong with the carburettor and the v belt."

_Okay…she did that on purpose…she talked about going home by cab on purpose…I am an asshole if I'm not offering her a ride home…but if I offer her a ride home she'll probably interpret too much into this…and…this wouldn't be…good. But…I can't let her go home by cab…she's already angry…I mean…come on Grissom, you should be a gentleman, she deserves it to be treated like a lady…okay I should not think about this, this is definitely not the easiest way out of this whole thing with her…but…_ "Listen, I will give you a ride home, on the way to your apartment we will stop by at my house, I will get in, bring you the magazine and then I'll bring you to your apartment."

Her eyes widened. Grissom know what she was thinking _'Did Gil Grissom just offer me a ride home!'_

"That would be…nice.", she smiled brightly.

_Just hold on a minute I have to kick myself in the ass for being stupid enough to offer you a ride home…_ "Okay…my car is at the parking lot." _Sure it is there you idiot! Where else should it be! The roof! The cellar! On a tree! Flying around in the air! God! Know he knows you are nervous…it's the worst to let a woman know that you don't know how to act in those situations! The worst, the absolute worst thing to do!_

The smile on her lips was warm, as warm as the morning sun that threw shadows on the parking lot. It was as if her smile threw shadows on his soul_…the more I cheer her up, the more I will hurt her later. I shouldn't have said anything!_

When they entered the car and he started the engine a loud sound let them wince. A heavy metal song resounded from the radio. Grissom blushed, he turned out the radio.

"Now it's official, I'm deaf!" she joked.

"Don't make fun of something like this."

She threw an asking look at him. He realized that his voice had been really harsh.

"Sorry…didn't meant to…", he cleared his throat. "…I was listening to a CD yesterday…some classical stuff….", _I hope she doesn't think that's idiotic…she doesn't seem as if she'd like classical music at all…she's more the person that listens to the same kind of music like Greg does I guess…hell why do I care what she thinks about my taste of music!_

"Which piece?"

"What?"

"What were you listening to?"

"Mozart…Piano Concerto no 23,A major."

"That's a great one."

"You know it?"

"Who doesn't!"

A bright smile flashed over his lips. Sara Sidle, sitting next to him in his car, talking about classical music…telling him that she liked his favorite piece of classical music…let the butterflies in his stomach let fly around even more. _Gil, don't think of this! You know that nothing may ever happen between you and her! You know the results it will have! It will not lead to something good! You are not allowed to loose control! You are so not allowed to loose yourself in something like love!_

He stopped the car in front of his house, he left it and entered. _Okay…where did I leave this magazine…bedroom….yes bedroom._ He walked over to his bedroom, entering, glancing around. _Okay….where?….where in the bedroom did you leave it?_ He walked over to his bed, suddenly hearing footsteps in his living room. He winced, turning around to now find Sara standing in his bedroom. A bright smile on her lips._ What the hell is she doing here? Why isn't she waiting in the car! Why is she here? Didn't I tell her to stay in the car? Didn't I? What the hell….now she knows my bedroom! I never wanted this to happen! I didn't even want her in my house, my living room….now she's in the bedroom, even worse, so much worse! _He swallowed hard, staring at her.

"Hey….nice bedroom.", she glanced around the room.

_What is she searching for? Porn? Hidden traces of a sexlife of mine? If she's going to check my sheets for stains I'll kill her….well or I'll…_pictures of Sara in his bed flew through his mind …._no I…I have to get this picture out of my head as fast as possible! But oh well…she would look so great wearing anything just….the sheet of my bed around her body and…hell Gil, this will bring you into a situation even worse than the zipper thing last night! Think of something else! Forget her! You can't have her! She probably has someone else anyways! I wish she has someone else! Then it wouldn't be that hard…._

"So…this is where all the action happens."

"What? What action?"

"Oh come on…silent waters are deep."

_Does she really think of me like….does she see me as a …'playboy'? Does she really think I am that kind of guy!_

"On which side of the bed do you sleep?"

_Why to hell is she interested in that!_ He cleared his throat. "The right one." _And why to hell did I tell her!_

"I always sleep on the left one…"

_…oh…we would fit together so….hell don't even think of sharing a bed with her!_

"…when I was dating Hank that was really a problem…because he used to sleep on the left as well…"

_…okay, why is she talking about Hank now! Why! And why does this make my blood boil! Why do I care about this? First, it's past, second… just a few moments ago I told myself that it would be so much easier if she'd have a boyfriend…so why… am I …jealous?…jealous…she is the only woman that….I was never envying another guy for…being with a woman…but…if someone even speaks out the name of Hank I could…the urge to strangle that idiot is…and he hurt her…if I would…get that son of a …_

"…you okay?", he voice was concerned.

"Sure."

"Well, you…just have this look in your eyes as if you'd explode or something and…why do you press your hands into fists so as if…"

"…Sara I am okay.", he turned away from her, reaching for the magazine on the table next to his bed. Then he turned back around to her again, surprised to not see her in his bedroom anymore. _Where did she go?_

He left the bedroom. "Sara?", no trace of her, He left the house, finally seeing her sitting in the car again. He walked to her, opening the passenger's seat door. "What's up with you Sara?"

"What?…you ask me what is up with me?"

"Yes.", _you could have said something else but 'yes'!_

"It's nothing…I just felt that you feel uncomfortable with having me around you."

"That's not right Sara…I just…don't like other people in my bedroom…or…well I don't like it when my colleagues are in my bedroom…believe me I know how CSIs process bedrooms.", he forced a smile.

She nodded softly. "Anyways.", she said softly.

Grissom sighed, closing the car door and walking over to the other side of the car, entering and starting it. "Here.", he handed her the magazine.

"Thanks."

In the moment he handed her the magazine he noticed that her hand was shaking. _She's afraid…she's afraid of something! I have to ask her what's wrong! Come on Gil, even if you don't feel comfortable with this you have to ask her what's wrong!_ "Sara…"

"…everything's okay."

"You're shaking."

"I'm not."

He took her hand into his, it was a reflex, like an instinct, he had to hold her hand, he had to calm her down, he didn't want to see her shaking, he didn't want her to be afraid. He squeezed her hand softly. "Hey…tell me what's wrong."

"I'm afraid of going to the dentist.", she confessed.

"Everything will be fine."

"I know that…somehow…but…it's…I have something against needles."

"Me too.", he said forcing a smile.

She softly squeezed his hand back, a little gesture that sent thousand little sensations through his whole body. "Thanks.", she almost whispered.

_Was this that hard? No it wasn't! Hell Gil why are you always that cowardly! It didn't hurt to take her hand and cheer her up a little! It didn't cost you your life or pride or whatever to help her, did it! It didn't kill you to do something good for her!_

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**TBC**

**I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoy writing : )**


	4. dreams

**discalimer: **I own nothing

**AN: **sorry for the late update, I had a horrible writing blocade...sorry! Thousand thanks to inlya and Sara Sidle Grissom for always encouraging me!

* * *

**dreams**

"Yes?", Grissom answered his cell phone.

"Hello, am I talking to Dr. Grissom?"

"Yes."

"I am calling because of a Sara Sidle."

_What? What is wrong with Sara! Did something happen at her doctor's appointment! Is she alright! Oh my God!_ Grissom swallowed hard. "What….what's wrong with her, what happened?"

"She lost her conscience and…well…she's awake again now…but…somebody should come and pick her up, you are her emergency contact on her assurance sheet and…we had to call you."

_I am the emergency contact on her assurance form? Wow….I mean…damn it….this means she…anyways…don't think about the reason now Gil! You have to pick her up and take her home_. "What's the address?"

"She's not here….she's at Desert Palms…she hit the counter on her way down…she probably has a concussion."

_Oh my god…_ "Okay, I will pick her up. Thanks for calling." _Oh God, let her be alright! Let her please, please, please , please be alright! _

Twenty minutes later he arrived at Desert Palms. He almost ran to the emergency room, searching for a nurse who could tell him where Sara was. One finally brought him to one of the examination rooms. He entered, his heart almost breaking when he saw Sara sitting on the bed, her face swollen because of the surgery, a bandage around her head, she must have had a head wound, cooling pads over her cheeks, tears in her eyes, she forced a smile, but he knew she felt so miserable inside.

He walked over to her, the urge to twine his arms around her was growing bigger and bigger, he needed to hold her and he knew she needed to be held by him.

"Hey.", she spoke softly.

"Hey.", his voice was full of concern. He sat down on her bed. His hand automatically taking hers.

"I look so horrible."

"You don't Sara….you really don't look horrible…the doctor said that you may go home…I was called to pick you up…I hope that's okay." _I have to be there for her, she needs me…she can't be alone tonight…I hope she's not going to send me away….because then I'd have to insist to stay with her and then…she would probably realize how much she really means to me._

"I wish you wouldn't see me like this."

_Why? Why doesn't she want me to see her like this? Is she afraid I wouldn't be there for her? Does she…she doesn't want me to leave does she? She's not looking horrible, she is injured, it is horrible that she is inured, but…she's still looking like my sweet…_ "Sara…I…you….you maybe don't look like Miss Universe at the moment, but…you are still the most beautiful women in the world for me." _Did I just say this? Hell did I just say this? How to hell could I just speak this out? Okay…now it's over! She …she will never stop asking questions again, I will have to tell her what I feel…I…well in fact I already told her what I feel with this…I…great! I never wanted this! Never! Never ever!_

The expression in her eyes showed her totally confusion, she was staring at him, holding her breath.

_He swallowed hard, I have to say something…she has to say something! Someone has to break this damned silence!_

A few moments later they still remained in silence.

_Okay…I have to say something…she wont…she is shocked. I shocked her…although I doubt that she can be more shocked as I am. I have to say something, but what? Should I open up to her right now? Should I change the subject? Should I simply tell her that I'll take her home now….what can I say?_

She was still staring at him, probably realizing that this was just another 'Gil Grissom accidentally said something he feels but never meant to say and he will simply pretend it never happened until I doubt it ever happened' moment.

"Sara…let's….go home."

She bite down on her bottom lip, nodding softly. "Fine."

_She probably thinks I am the greatest asshole in the world! And she is right with that! I play with her feelings. I play with her like she's a toy, something that can't break…but she can break, she is hurt….I hurt her. Probably more than I think…more than I will ever realize. I can't go on like this, I can't live on like this…I am hurting her more than I hurt myself and…this is something I can't accept. I don't want to hurt her anymore! She doesn't deserve it to be hurt! Not by me…not by the man she loves….not by the man who…not by the man who loves her. Damn it I love her! And this is something I can't change! I will never ever be able to change it. I…I love her! And I need her…and I desperately need to allow these feelings to myself…and I have to show them to her, because…she deserves to know it. I need time…but I don't have the time…what the hell can I do now?_

Sara slowly left the bed, reaching for his arms when she stood up on her feet. Grissom held her, helping her on her feet, helping her to not loose her balance.

"Sara I…"

"…it's okay Grissom."

_No it's not okay…it is so not okay! It is everything but okay. She pretends that she doesn't expect an answer, but I know that…swallowing her pain about this will even make it harder! Damn it! If I just could prove her wrong! She expects me to do nothing about this, again! Once again. I wish I could prove her wrong about this! But she is right…I don't know how to do this. I simply don't know it. I wish I would…I would do everything._

He helped her to leave the room, his hands still holding both of her arms.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

She sat down on her sofa, Grissom covered her with a blanket, and placed her feet higher than her head was, because the doctor had told him to do so. After this he sat down on the couch, his hand reaching for hers again.

"When…when I was under the anaesthesia I….had a dream.", she said softly.

"You had a dream?"

"Yeah…it was weird, you know…it was…so real… it felt so real…I…I lay on this field…on the lawn….spring flowers everywhere….and…we were there together…not the kind of 'processing a crime scene' together, it was….some kind of 'being romantically involved' together. You…touched me, you kissed me…we were happy… Grissom I…when I woke up and realized that it was just a dream…that this will never be real and…this is so depressing…you will never give me a chance..."

_Did she really say this? Oh my god! I have to tell her! I can't let her…feel that bad and…just sit here and do nothing!_ "Sara, I…this has nothing to do with not giving you a chance…this is about not giving me a chance. I …don't want to give myself the chance to be loved and to love…I…Sara this has nothing to do with you in general."

"I am the one you hurt with this…so I think this has pretty much to do with me."

Grissom swallowed hard. _This is really one of the first times that she told me that I hurt her…and I never knew this would hurt me that much!_

"Gil…why?"

"I already told you why."

"No…you said you wouldn't allow this to yourself, why don't you allow yourself to be happy, to be loved?"

"Sara I…", he sighed. _I don't want to tell her this…but she wouldn't let me change the subject…there is definitely no easy way out of this…I can't tell her everything…but she needs to know why I can't be with her_. "…I am…I don't think that this is an appropriate moment to…tell you this, but…I know that…you have the right to know…I…don't trust other people…I don't even trust myself…and… 'love' or 'being loved' has a lot to do with trust. And…I am…I mean…trusting someone means…giving a part of yourself to someone…and…giving away a part of yourself….destroys you when the person you gave it to…takes her love away from you…leaves you…and…"

"…someone once did this to you…right?"

Grissom swallowed hard. "Not a woman."

Her eyes widened. "Don't tell me you are gay!"

He couldn't help but laugh softly. "I'm talking about my father…I trusted him…he left me and my mother alone…we were all alone and…my mother broke down because of him…I…each day we meet people at the worst days of their lives and…a lot of crimes are committed in passion or…hate…and hate is frozen love…I…" , he made a long pause. "…Sara I know what you feel for me…I hoped you would realize on your own that…nothing can everhappen between us, but…you never stop fighting, do you?"

"Why can there neverhappen something between us? Are you afraid that I would stop loving you?"

_Yes, Yes I am! I am so horrible afraid!_ He said nothing, but the silence that lay between them said more than thousand words.

"I…will never stop feeling the way I feel for you…isn't the fact that I run after you like a dog since five years evidence enough that…I wont stop loving you?"

_I should have never started this conversation…I can't get out of this without hurting her, I can't get out of this without…breaking her heart. All I fear to be done to me…is done to her by me. I am breaking her heart when I leave her now, I am breaking her heart when I tell her that she… there is no other way out of this, she has to stop loving me, she has to find someone else, I am only breaking her heart, no matter what I do._

She sat up, reaching for his upper arm, squeezing it softly. "Gil…give me a chance."

"This is not about giving you a chance."

She sighed. "Then give yourself a chance. Give yourself a chance to be happy, Gil I could make you happy…I know that I could."

_God, she sounds so desperate…and I know she is probably even more than she shows._ "Sara I will never find the strength to give myself such a chance…you have to forget me…"

"…how can I forget about the only man I ever loved! Gil…"

_I don't want her to feel this way for me! And I don't want myself to feel this way for her! I have to stop loving her!_ In contrast to what his mind told him, his hands reached out for hers, he took both her hands into his, caressing them with his thumbs. His heart bet fast, he felt as if it had jumped into his throat…holding her hands, felt so good, he knew holding her in his arms would feel even better. _I love her._

Despite his doubts, despite what he had told her just a few minutes ago, he felt the urge to feel her close to him grow bigger and bigger. He needed to feel her close to him. Now, right now. His hands slipped over her upper arms, then he softly pulled her close to him, his arms wrapped around her, her head resting on his shoulder. His hands caressed her back, her hands softly stroked over his arms, then she caressed his cheeks with her thumbs. She softly pulled away from him, looking into his eyes. His arms still twined around her waist, holding her.

_It feels so good to feel her like this. Feeling her close to me. Her hands on my cheeks, her hands on my arms…I can feel her heart beating, I can feel her breath on my skin…and now she's looking into my eyes…and I can't help but looking into hers…I know how much I hurt her…I know it is wrong to hurt her, she deserves to…be loved…to be loved by the man she loves. I love her…but…I can't show this to her, not jet. Hell…she is totally confused…understandable, I…I mean I just told her that… I could never do this…and now I pull her into my arms, I hold her close to me, I…caress her back and I…touch her._

"Gil…just…promise me something…please.", tears were in her eyes. "…Gil…don't hurt me…don't play this one step further two steps back play again…"

He lay his finger on her lips. "Sara…I promise you to not…go back from here on…but…I need time to…"

"…it's okay. I know…that…opening up to someone is…hard…more than hard…I mean…when I told you about my family…this was…probably…the biggest step in my life so far…from then on…everything seems so easy… I needed a lot of time for this…so…I can understand that…you need time…it's just that…no…no, it's…everything is fine now. You…made …a big step…I mean…you needed four years until you…were able to hold my hand and…",she made a pause. "…I should stop talking…this is…idiotic."

Gil softly pressed her against his chest. Her head was resting on his shoulder again, her arms twined around him, her lips softly striping his neck. He could feel her breath against his skin, he felt butterflies in his stomach, his heart beating faster and his breathing was heavy. _I so love her. I…love her more than anything else…and one day I will find the strength and courage to tell her, to show her…to…really love her the way she deserves it. _"Sara…will you give me another chance?…I feel like I am the one who should ask you for a chance…because…I am the one who makes the mistakes…you did nothing wrong. I am responsible for the pain you feel. I am the one who has to apologize. I am sorry for all the times that I hurt you. Can you forgive me?"

A smile flashed over her lips. She nodded softly. "Yes…yes …yes, yes, yes!", she whispered into his ear.

His heart was literally jumping. "I have to tell you something.", he whispered.

"What?"

"When we…were in that café…I was really thinking about a 'zipper'."

She giggled softly. "I knew it!…whose zipper was it?"

He cleared his throat. "Yours…you wore anything under that track suit jacket and…the zipper was…probably more opened than…it should have been and…well…I just…did you do that un purpose?"

"How should I have known you were in that café?", she asked laughing softly.

"Because …you know me probably better than anybody else does." _She really does…she knows me better than I know myself…and she knows that...one day, I will make her dreams come true, that's why Sara Sidle never stopped fighting for my love...and she will never stop loving me...for the first time in my life I know that I can really trust someone._

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**TBC**

**thanks for reading : ) I hope you liked this chapter although it wasn't funny this time...I rpomise, as far as this huge writing blocade is really totally over, I will be able to write a better chap 5 : )**


	5. bookmark

**AN: **a lot of thanks to **csmit99** for all the nice reviews : ), thanks to **inlya** and **Sara Sidle Grissom **for encouraging me, thanks to everybody else who reviewed,I will mention you all in the finale chapter (don't know how many chaps it will be yet).

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing...if I would, ...well you can imagine how it'd be then ; )

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**bookmark**

He had given her one week off after her surgery and her concussion…he had hoped for a chance to visit her, but it seemed as if each criminal of Las Vegas had decided to commit a homicide this week. The night shift was short staffed, better said only him and Greg. Sophia had caught the flu, Sara was at home and Ecklie didn't agree to give Grissom CSIs from the other shifts. So he and Greg had no chance to take at least one minute off. The urge to call her had grown bigger and bigger with every second since he had left her apartment…he hated himself for not even finding the time to call her. He had worked three double shifts in the last five days, sleep was a foreign word he didn't seem to know in these days. When the shifts were finished, mounts of paperwork waited for him on his desk.

He sighed, taking another glance on his watch. Shift would start in ten minutes…normally she came early, to be sure to not be too late. On the one hand he couldn't wait to see her again, on the other hand, he was afraid that she was mad because he hadn't at least called…and afraid that she would immediately start talking about their last conversation. He had meant what he had told her, but actually he had never meant to tell it to her. _Yes, she had the right to know about his feelings…but it shouldn't have been told to her the way I did. I…I should have let a little more time pass by, I should have given myself more time to think about how I'm telling this to her and…I should have been more careful with my choice of words._

The sound of footsteps in the hallway ripped him out of his thoughts. He looked up to see who it was. _It's her…early as always…is she smiling? Or is this a grin or…is she maybe angry or…._

"Hey…I'm back…And I know that I am much needed.", she said with a bright smile on her lips.

_Hell…if she'd know how much she is really needed then she would jump right on my lap and…Don't even think of this! This is neither the appropriate place, nor time, nor moment, nor…anything for those thoughts! Don't dare to think of her that way…at least not for the next twelve hours! You are at work…you are paid to investigate crime scenes, not your subordinates….although this is really a tempting imagination…if she'd let me…investigate…DON'T THINK OF THIS!_

"Okay, listen…I have to tell you something…which is…probably…well…going to be…embarrassing for me."

He looked at her while she sat down. _Is she shaking? Is she afraid of something? Do I scare her? Did I do something wrong? _He cleared his throat. "Sara…what's wrong?", he realized that he sounded even more concerned than he was.._. that's probably not good…you should…control yourself better!_

"Nothing is wrong…it's just that…last week…after…my surgery…what…happened afterwards?"

_What the hell does she mean with that?_ "Uhm…actually…I…don't know what you want to hear from me…I…"

"…I …can't remember what happened after the surgery…the last thing I can remember is…me sitting on that chair thing and ….waiting for the anaesthesia to kick in and…the next thing I know is…waking up in my bed, my legs lying on a huge pillow mount, me fully dressed, a bandage around my head, horribly headache, …a note you left on my kitchen counter…saying you'd give me the week off because of my concussion…my question is…or better said questions…first, _concussion_? How, why, when?…okay…that were four questions packed in one…anyways…then second, how did you get into my apartment to leave me that note…and question number three…did I…I mean…I know the medications you get for anaesthesia can…have manipulative effects on the human being and…did I do something…inappropriate…did I say…something inappropriate…did I do something wrong…I mean…you didn't call me for the whole week…I mean…you never actually called me before, but…you left a not on my kitchen counter…and…to be honest, I am totally confused."

_Confused…confused is a good word…but actually I am more than confused! Does that mean she forgot everything we were talking about?_ He swallowed hard. _Does that mean…she can't remember that I…held her and…what I told her?…is that good or bad? Should I be happy or sad about that?_

"Grissom?…can…you at least answer one of those questions?", she pleaded.

"You…you lost conscience after the surgery….when you were on your way out…and you hit the reception desk on your way down…they brought you to Desert Palms…and called me to pick you up…they said I was your emergency contact…"

"…oh yeah…I should have…told you about that.", she said blushing.

"It's okay…I was just a little surprised."

"It's just that…I have nobody whom I can really trust…and…I mean except for you…because I know that you…are there for me when I need someone…okay maybe that's not the correct choice of words, I just…."

"…it's okay…really.", _hell I don't want her to feel bad…she trusts me, she…really trusts me and I…should be worth her trust!_

"It's just that…I have to know if I said…something stupid…something that would…make me want to drown myself…I…am a little panicking right now to be honest."

Grissom couldn't help but smile softly. _She is so sweet when she sits on the chair that nervous…and I am mean…what should I tell her? The truth?…I wasn't sure if it was good to tell her what I told her…this is a second chance for me, isn't it? Hell…but it was so relieving that she finally knew about my feelings…but this time I could….well it gives me the chance to pick the right words and…._

"Gil please say something.", she pleaded.

"You said nothing that was inappropriate."

"Why do you have that grin on your face then?"

"I don't grin.", _Do I grin?_ He raised his eyebrow.

She rolled with her eyes. "Did we talk about something?"

"Sara…you said nothing that wasn't appropriate…so stop worrying."

"What did we talk about?"

_Should I tell her? I should tell her the truth…I mean, it's unfair to take that second chance destiny gave me…I mean…well maybe…I really need this second chance…maybe I did so bad the first time that…that it's fate that she can't remember. I should be thankful._ "Sara, I just brought you home, helped you into your bed and wrote you that note…you almost said anything…you've had that surgery…you couldn't talk." _…she could talk very well because of the painkillers…but…she can't remember…so…I should stop worrying about that._

"Okay then.", she smiled softly. She moved softly in the chair, but didn't stand up.

_Why isn't she leaving? Why is she still sitting there? Does she want to talk about something else with me? About what? What does she want…an explanation for the note I left her?_ "Something else you want to talk about?" _Did I just ask this? Great…this is like an invitation for her to never stop asking me questions again. Great…I am such an idiot…I should kick myself in the ass….drown myself…_

"Actually…yes."

_Damn it!_ He forced a soft smile. "About what?"

She stared down on her hands, her fingers were shaking. _Why is she so nervous? What's wrong with her?_

"I…read that magazine you borrowed me."

_NOT AGAIN! She is not going to talk about the bugsex again, is she?_

"I…there was something that…was…striking, I mean…"

"…an article?"

"No…", she leaned down and opened her purse. She searched for something and finally found it.

He recognized it in the second she placed it on his desk. He swallowed hard. _Damn it! That isn't happening, is it? This can't happen! This is just a nightmare! Wake up Gil! This is just a bad, very bad nightmare! The worst you ever had! You are only dreaming! This isn't real! How could I be that stupid! How could I forget about the picture? How could I forget about it? I'm looking at it almost each night before I go to bed, how could I forget that I used it as bookmark in the night before I gave the magazine to her? Oh my God…this is so embarrassing._

"…it….fell…", she swallowed hard. "…out of…the…", her voice was shaking, her whole body was shaking. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a few moments. "…it fell out of the magazine…I thought you might want it back."

_I WANT TO DIE! _

"It's…honestly a little shocking that…you have a picture of me in a magazine that is writing about bugsex and…that article about decomposition … and…that picture of me was…used as a bookmark in an article about Terri Miller…wasn't that a friend of yours?"

_I WANT TO BE HIT BY A BOLT….NOW!_

"I don't know what should be more confusing…the fact that you keep a picture of me in your bedroom, or…that it stuck between two pages of a Terri Miller interview."

_You have to find a way out of this…the fastest way as possible…you could take your weapon and hit yourself unconscious with it…I could pretend I got a heart attack… He swallowed hard…okay…what is this acute pain in my chest?…hell…that is just an illusion…just a subconscious illusion…I shouldn't have thought about feign a heart attack…that woman is going to be the nail of my casket._

"I mean…where did you get this horrible picture from anyways?…I look so horrible on that."

_That woman seems to have inferiority complexes! Doesn't she know how beautiful she is? Doesn't she realize that…she has everything a man dreams of?_

"Could you do me a favor and rip into thousand pieces or something like this?…I just…can't stand the fact that you might be looking on that picture…"

"…Sara you look beautiful on that picture."

She laughed hysterically. "You're insane."

"I wont deny that…", he said with a soft smile on his lips. _Only one thing will help me out of this…although…this is going to be hard_. "…Sara…you can't imagine how embarrassing this is for me.", he took a deep breath. "I am…so sorry that…I mean…you probably think I am…weird, kinky…I don't know…I just…I mean…you…you have to believe me that I did nothing…kinky. I…", he realized that his hands were shaking. _It's not good to talk with her about that! But…hell I don't want her to think I am a perverse, kinky, weird freak._ "… Sara there is probably no…rational explanation for this. I…I am sorry."

Sara smiled softly. "Gil…I never knew you…no, if I'd say that I never felt you had a thing for me, then I would lie…but…finding out that…you keep a picture of me in your bedroom is…really weird and confusing and…I…actually don't know how to deal with that.", she confessed.

"Sara…just….let me explain this. I…"

"…you don't have to explain anything. Gil I…"

"…please, let me explain this. It is already embarrassing enough that you found a picture that shows you, in a magazine that belongs to me, a magazine that has been in my bedroom and…the picture had obviously been used as a bookmark…ironically between two pages about Terri and…you should know why….or what I did with that picture. Nothing is more embarrassing than you making up theses about why I did this…I mean, it seems to be obvious that…Sara I really did nothing perverse with that picture. I…just…looked at it from time to time and…I was reading in the magazine after we had had that coffee together in the café and…I lay in my bed, reading…and…then the caffeine's effect began to degrade and…I got tired. I stopped reading, the magazine lay on my lap and…I…I had to think of you and…looked at the picture and then…I…I was about to put the magazine on my nightstand and…in that moment I noticed that article about Terri. I…thought it might be interesting to read it…because I am a fan of her work…don't get me wrong about this…I mean…it is not as if I am still regretting an old relationship…I mean between me and her things never got serious…"

"…good to know.", Sara said grinning.

_Great, at least she has her fun about this. But I am the one who botched up this whole thing. I have to pay for this…Gil Grissom you are to blame for your own stupidity_! "…what I wanted to say is, ...I then placed the picture…of you, between the two pages as a bookmark and…I forgot about it when I handed the magazine to you….this is the answer to the… 'why between the Terri Miller article?' …I know that is not the answer to the 'why does he have a picture of me?' question…I…I am trying to find the right words for this one, but…I am not good with these things…"

"…what's the reason why you have a _picture _of me in your bedroom instead of a _real_ me."

He swallowed hard. _Great…well this is a logical conclusion…but did she really have to speak this out loud? I know I could have her if I'd find the courage to…open up to her…again, because actually I already did!…why is it that hard for me to just do it again?_ He knew that the expression on his face was probably showing the shock that had driven deep into his bones when she had spoken out that comment, he would do everything he could to hide it, but he knew nothing would succeed.

"It…was just a joke Gil…I…didn't mean to…", she laughed softly. "I really shocked you, didn't I? …Sorry…I didn't mean to…to shock you."

"I am the one who…has to apologize Sara. You must feel…horrible, because of that picture…I mean…your boss borrows you a magazine and you find a picture of yourself in it, used as a bookmark…the picture from your personal file…and…Sara I shouldn't have done this. This picture belongs to you…", he handed her the picture. "…I hope you can…forgive me."

"That is nothing you have to apologize for. I…I was, honestly, shocked at the…first few moments, but…somehow it is…some kind of honor to be…the last person you look at before you go to bed."

Grissom sighed. _I don't want her to know this!_

"Well…anyways. Shift started ten minutes ago…we should probably forget about this…because that's what we always do, right?…"

"…what do you mean with this?"

She laughed softly. "Well…you said you'd be interested in beauty since you met me and two seconds later you continued to talk about the case with me and…I mean there are a lot of examples…do you really want me to repeat all this stuff?"

"No…not really…listen Sara…I know I am…a real big disappointment for you…I mean, I should be able to show my feelings instead of keeping them in secrecy…I…am not good with people, especially not with the ones who mean something to me…from time to time I loose control over myself and…for a few seconds my feelings shine through that steel jacket around me and…Sara…I…"

"…Grissom…forget about it…okay?…let's just start working, okay? I learned to live with that."

_I don't want her to get used to this. I…I think she shouldn't have to get used to this, she shouldn't have to learn to live with it…she…she should be angry and she should confront me with that and…she should wash my head clean of all these doubts I have…It should never have come that far…I shouldn't have…done a lot of things I did in the past. Maybe I should tell her what I told her when we were at her apartment last week…but…that she forgot about what had happened is maybe a sign…a sign that I should wait…and if it's not a sign it gives me at least the chance to wait for the best moment. I wish I'd know what to do._

* * *

**TBC**

Thank you for reading : ) I really hope this chapter didn't disappoint you...it was just that...well my writing blocade made me do things in chapter 4 that I regret now, because they didn't really fit into the concept I had for this story...but I decided to not delete and rewrite chapter 4...because that would be too confusing...I hope you can understand me a bit and I hope you don't hate me for this chapter...I had to solve things to find back to my concept.

a lot thanks to everybody who reviewed so far...I am not writing to get reviews, but your reviews inspire me and reasure me, that you like my story and the way I write this. And I am really glad that there are people who like that story. I too want to thank those who sent me emails and pms...it's so nice that you tell me that you like my story : ) and it's cool to talk with people on msn or icq : ) **you all inspire me so much! Thank you: )**


	6. trapped

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing...otherwise we would know what Grissom was thinking during the 'pin me down' scene ; )

**AN: **I would like to greet every member of the **gs jedi ritter club **: ) I love talking to you girls! Then I want to thank **inlya, Sara Sidle Grissom **and **csmit99**!

sorry for the late update!

* * *

**trapped**

"Did you flick through the files again?"

"I know them off by heart, don't worry.", she said grinning, turning to him.

_Hell she looks great in that costume…and her hair…I love it to see her in her court room clothes…we should go to curt more often together! Well…better not! Gil you really should stop with all those thoughts about her…after the thing with the picture you can be more than thankful if she even talks to you! She will never ever will get over that shock! She'll probably need counselling sessions! Okay probably not…but she'll never forgive me! Hell if this all wouldn't be so embarrassing I would try to talk with her about it again…but…no! screw these thoughts! If you try to avoid this theme forever she might probably forget about it one day! Hopefully!_

"Which floor?", she asked entering the elevator.

"Seventh.", he followed her in, noticing that they were the only passengers. _I wonder if she ever did it in an elevator…if she really did it in an airplane lavatory she probably…DON'T THINK OF THIS!_

"Everything okay?", she asked, pressing the button and leaning back against the wall.

"What should be wrong?"

"You know, I'm asking if everything is okay, because I don't know if there's something wrong, this is why the sentence 'everything okay?' was invented…to get to know if there is something wrong."

"Actually it's not a sentence, it's a question and…"

"…it's a sentence anyways…"

"…and I was asking what should be wrong, not saying that you should know that there is something wrong…only asking what,…not if."

"You know what, now I have the answer for my question.", she rolled with her eyes and turned her head away from him.

_Now I pissed her off! Great Gil! You wanted her to…to not be angry, and all you do is making her angry! Great! You hero!_

They remained in silence for a few seconds.

A loud sound ripped them out of their thoughts. The lights went off, it was dark, the elevator stopped roughly.

"Oh my…what's that?", Sara asked softly.

Grissom swallowed hard, trying to make out where she stood. "I…I guess a blackout or something similar."

"Does that mean we're trapped?"

_She's saying this as if it's the most horrible thing in the world to be trapped in an elevator…with me. Probably it's horrible for because she's here with me._

"Grissom?…are we trapped in that thing?"

"I…think so."

"Great…we will miss the hearing."

"I bet that it will be rescheduled anyways."

Sara sighed, he could hear how she sank down to the ground of the elevator, leaning back against the wall. "Great…wasn't my plan to spend the rest of the day in an elevator…in the dark."

_She's really pissed off…but is it only the fact that she is trapped here, or that she is trapped in here with me? I mean…in the last days she…is acting strange…she really acts strange towards me…and I know this is all my fault! Damn it! I should have been more sensible! I should have showed her that I care…I should have told her the truth about what happened after her dentist appointment! Maybe she remembered and is angry now!_ "Sara is being here with me really that horrible?"

She laughed softly. "Gil Grissom, what is it with you that…is always making things so complicated and…why do you always worry about every little word I say, why do you think about everything I say for minutes and…why do you always think that there is some subtext in it…something that…I mean…Gil I…"

"…I don't know."

She took a deep breath. "So…now we are here…we have probably a lot of time…so…what could we do to pass the time?"

_Why is she asking this the way she is asking this? Does she want to have…no…she is not the kind of woman who…well…but maybe she is and…I am just blind. Maybe she wants to…hell I am just doing what she said I'd always do!_ "Don't know…we could…talk.", _talking is safe…as long as I can control the way the theme goes…_

"About what?"

"Don't know…work?"

"Wasn't it you who told me I should find something out of work…right? So…let's find something to talk about out of work."

He swallowed hard. _Great…so much to controlling the way the theme is going!_

"You have any pictures on your cell phone?"

"What?"

"Pictures…on your cell phone…I have a lot of them…oh, but let me guess…you have only bugs."

"What pictures do you have?"

"Wanna see?"

_Do I want to see?_ He cleared his throat. "Okay…why not?", he forced a grin, then realizing that she wouldn't see it anyways, because it was still dark _…please God don't let me regret it!_

She opened her cell, pressed a couple of buttons and handed it to him. "I know you like pictures…but…don't go crazy over those…really nothing special."

_Oh great…I knew I'd regret it!_ He looked at the pictures. One was showing Nick and Warrick, the next one Greg with a bright grin, then Greg playing pool billiard, Greg drinking, Greg drinking again, Nick drinking, Warrick pretending to hit Greg's butt…_When did she make all these pictures? And…why is she obviously going out with them that often?_

"That was about two weeks ago…we were at 'Carter's'."

Just now he had realized that she sat next to him, her head almost leaned against his shoulder. _If she's moving just a little bit then…is that Greg wearing a woman's shirt?_

Sara realized that Grissom seemed to be shocked about that picture. She laughed. "That was at a little party thing at Nick's apartment…we played strip poker…and well…let's say I lost and…Greg…had drunken too much and…began to take on my clothes instead of his…and…well we had …a lot of fun."

"You go out with them often, don't you?"

"Yeah…once a week…sometimes even more often."

_Why do they never ask me to come with them?_

"Looks like it's really fun."

"Yeah…you know, finally I realized how much fun things out of work can be."

_She is building up a life out of work…she is building up a life without me, it wont be long until she will forget me!…this is what I wanted….but…I 'wanted' it…what I want now is…something else!…I don't want her to…search for someone else!_

"What do you think about…joining us…I mean…it's really fun."

_I would if I could!_ "I think looking at pictures was a bad idea. Let's do something else."

Sara sighed. "You're doing it again…avoiding the theme…searching the fastest and easiest way out."

_I don't!…okay, I do…_ "Sara…that's not true."

"Oh yeah…sure. I so believe you!"

_Sarcasm! I hate it when she's sarcastic…that always makes me feel so damned inferior to her!_

"Okay…now you're holding your tongue!"

"Sara, please…that's idiotic! You're only hearing what you want to hear."

"Uhm…actually I didn't hear anything for the last minutes, because you remained in silence."

"Okay, that's it! Sara, what did I do to make you that angry?"

"It's more the things that you are not doing."

_Oh my God…I knew I should have told her the truth about that day! I should have been more opened to her! I should show her that I care! I should have told her how much she means to me!…and why don't I do what I know I should do?_

"I will try to call someone with my cell….I am really not in the mood to spend one more second in here!", she said with an angry tone in her voice. "It might take hours otherwise!"

_She hates me! She is mad at me! I…I have to say something!_ He could hear the sounds of her cell phone while she dialled the number of someone, he looked at her face that was barely visible in the dark because it was enlightened by the light of her cell phone. He could see that angry expression in her face, she bite down on her bottom lip, her eyes focussed on the cell phone display. _Damn it! Say something! Gil Grissom open your mouth and say something!_

Sara stopped dialling and waited for someone to answer the call. It took several seconds until she spoke. "Hey…Greggo you gotta help me!"

_She called Greg?…why Greg? Why to hell did she have to call Greg? Is there something going on between her and Greg?_

"There was a blackout and I am trapped in an elevator."

…_with me! And that is what is pissing her off! I bet I know what she'd do in here with Greg!_ He could feel how is blood began to boil.

"No…not alone…with Grissom."

_Already the way she said this expresses the scorn she feels for me!_

"As if he would do that."

_As if I would do what? What did he say? This is driving me crazy! This woman is driving crazy!_

"So…will you get me out of here?"

_Why does she hate me?_

"Okay…we must be somewhere between the third and seventh floor."

"The fifth floor."

"What?"

"We are somewhere between the fifth and the seventh floor."

"Grissom says we are between the fifth and the seventh floor.", she said irritated. "And it was the elevator on the right."

_I should have kept my moth shut._

"Okay, thank you so much! I owe you! Yeah, see you soon then…byebye.", she shut her cell, it was dark again.

_I have to say something! If I'm not saying something now, she will hate me even more!_

She sighed. "So…it will take some time until he's here.", she said softly.

_Not enough time to find the right words._

They remained in silence for a couple of moments.

_It is not as if I wouldn't know the words how to say it! It is not as if I wouldn't know how to apologize or…how to confess her what I feel…it's just that I don't find the strength to do so. The way she behaves right now is more than a negative encouragement…why does this woman always drive me crazy?_

"So…what are you thinking about?"

"Why do you think I am thinking about something?"

"Because you are always thinking about something.", she said with a sweet voice.

_What changed her mood? Now she's nice again? What is it with that woman that… _

"Aaaand you're thinking again.", she said teasing.

"Sara.", Grissom sighed.

"What?"

"You…are driving me crazy."

"I am?…I'll try to see that as a compliment."

_She just can't decide what she should feel…just like me! She can't be mad at me…so she can't hate me either…thank God!_

"Let's play something."

"Play?" _What the hell does she want to play? I don't want to play! Not with her! And….not what she…what the hell does she want to play? Why does she want to play? Calm down Gil! You can always say no._

"Truth or dare."

_NEVER! KEEP ON DREAMING! _

"Come on…truth or dare Gil Grissom."

"I never said I would play."

"You're afraid.", she teased.

"I am _not _afraid! But this is childish!"

"Come on…do you remember that seminar in Frisco? The one where we met for the first time? We drank a coffee afterwards…we were talking about this game."

"The only thing I said was 'Truth or dare is a game where the truth has to be searched in the dare and the dare will be found…"

"…when we tell the truth.'…so come on…just once."

"You must tape everything I say."

She laughed softly. "I just admire you."

_Why does she tell me this? Hell I already feel bad enough! _

"I'll start…dare."

"So you're going for the truth."

"Are you going to play?"

Grissom sighed. "You beat me…yes…but only once." _It will always be better than the conversation that we had before…if we can call this a conversation._

"Okay…then what do you want me to do?"

_Ripping of my clothes….ripping off your clothes…so many options. And if I just speak out loud one of those…she will kill me with her bare hands…or she will do what I tell her and…I will kill myself with my bare hands. There must be something…something that is not going to be embarrassing for me…it's dark in here…so letting her take off something wouldn't be embarrassing for me, because I can't see and she knows I can't see either…but…where's the fun then….Gil Grissom you are not allowed to have fun with her!_ "Take off your bra without taking off your shirt."

"What?"

_I shocked her! Hell this IS fun!_ "You heard me."

"You're joking, aren't you?"

"I am not joking. You wanted to play, so we play, you wanted to dare…now dare."

"Who are you and what did you do to Grissom?"

"Dare.", he said teasing.

She sighed. All he could hear then were muffled swear words and Sara's hands under her blouse.

It needed some moments until she spoke again. "Okay…you want an evidence that I took it off? Wanna touch?"

_Oh hell…I want to touch her! More than anything else!…why is life always that complicated?_ "I trust you."

"Okay…you missed an opportunity here.", she teased.

_Now she's in the mood to tease again…and only because she knows that it's my turn now! Damn it! Now I can't get out of this anymore! Only if Greg would come here and…hell I never wanted Greg to be with me so much!_

"Okay Gil Grissom…truth or dare?"

_Truth or dare…damn it…in that mood she might do…everything…she might make me do everything, just to tease me and…_ "Truth."_…truth is save…at least safer, what can she ask…there is nothing that would be as embarrassing than making me kiss her or…doing anything else._

"Whoa! Do you know how many opportunities you give me with that?"

_That's what she thinks._

"Okay…let me think…"

_She wont find anything embarrassing…and if she does I can still lie._

"…what's your favourite …uhm let's call it 'erotic dream'?"

_I WAS SO DAMNED WRONG ABOUT THE NOT EMBARASSING!_ He swallowed hard.

"Hey…you have to answer the question…otherwise you…"

"…Sara I can't answer that question!"

"Why not? We are all alone here…no-one else but me and you…you can say _everything_."

_She is so wrong about this! Hell I want Greg to be here! I want Greg to come here and get us out of here right now! I never wanted him to disturb a conversation as badly as I want him to do it now! Why can't he be here?_

"Come on Grissom!"

"Sara…this is nothing we should talk about."

"Well…_we_ are not going to talk…_you_ will talk."

"Sara….can't you ask another question?" _I can't answer that! I so can't answer that! The thing about the picture was already embarrassing enough…I can't answer that!_

"You are going to answer _this_ question!"

He sighed. "I wont tell you any details, only who is included…and where, but no description of anything that happens!"

"Okay…I'm fine with that."

"And please…please don't tell anyone!"

"I promise!"

He took a deep breath. _She will not let me get out of this…and I have to tell her the truth, everything else would even be more embarrassing._ "Okay…it's taking place in the desert…in the night, star and moonlight…uhm…and…well I am there with…", _I can't tell her this!_ He took a deep breath. "…I am there with …a woman."

"I figured that…but who is the woman?", she teased.

"Sara…can't we just…change the subject…isn't it enough for you that I have those dreams?"

"Nope."

"Please!"

"I wont let you out of this…answer!", she teased with a soft voice.

"It's…it is…" _I can't do this! Please, can't Greg just be here and…open that damned door? Why did I ever agree to play this stupid game with her? How could I be that stupid?_

"…Who?", she teased in a singing voice.

He swallowed hard. _There is no way out of this! Greg wont come to save me! There will be no fire that burns me to dead before I can answer and I doubt that the ground of this elevator will just open up and that the black hole will eat me up_. "You."

"Me?"

_Is she deaf?_

"Did you really say that you dream about me?"

_Can't we just change the subject now?_

"You don't honestly mean that, do you?"

_Can a bolt please hit me and burn me to death?_

"Could you please say something?"

_Could you please stop talking about this?_

"Grissom! Hell! You are kidding, aren't you?", she asked desperately.

_I knew she couldn't stop talking about it!_

"Grissom?"

_Yes I am still here, although I wish I wouldn't! I am just not able to turn into air…if I would I would have left already…but I am not a magician! Sadly!_

"Are you…still alive?"

"Barely."

"That's something.", she said laughing softly.

Suddenly they heard sounds from the outside.

"Hey guys, are you in there?"

_GREG! Two minutes too late! Damn that guy! Why couldn't he come here two minutes earlier?_

"Greggo! Get us out of here!"

"I will guys gimme one second and you're free!"

* * *

**TBC**

okay, I really hope this chap didn't disappoint you...I somehow liked it. Yes it may be OOc for Grissom...but I will explain why he acted like this in the next chapter (or it will be explained by the story)

next chap will be on soon, I promise!


	7. in the break room

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing

**AN:** thousand thanks to everyone who keeps reviewing (I will mention you all personally in the last chapter)! Special thanks to **inlya**, **Sara Sidle Grissom and CSI Kennedy.**

* * *

**In the break room **

The break room was empty at this time, it wasn't that he felt the need to be alone, but being alone helped to pretend, that what had happened, didn't happen. He could lie to himself, but he couldn't lie to her.

The door opened, he heard footsteps, not willing to take his eyes off the crossword puzzle, he didn't pay any attention to who the person might probably be. But when he felt that this person stood behind him, he began to wonder. _It's a woman…the footsteps were those of a woman. So it's either Sophia, Catherine…or Sara…everybody else would have said something. If it's Sophia she will probably talk about her case with me…but then she would already have said something, if it's Catherine she will probably start talking about lab politics once again…I hate talking about the lab politics, probably Ecklie would have sent her and she will start pissing me off. If it's Sara she will start talking about what happened in the elevator…what would be more than negative right now…I don't think that I can talk to her right now…not after this._

"It's 'Chihuahua'."

"What?" _Sara…I knew it was her! I must have a really bad karma…God can't hate me that much…it must be something else…I will blame karma for it._

" 'Mexican state that's bordering on Texas and New Mexico' …the states name is Chihuahua."

"Thanks." _Did she think I wouldn't know or is she just trying to talk with me?_

She sat down on the chair next to him. "Can we talk?"

_I knew it. I don't want to talk, she will want to talk about what I told her…and…she will say, that if I would make up my mind, she wouldn't only be in my dreams…like she always blames me for…_

"It's…Grissom I…being in that elevator with you…reminded me of…"

_Reminded her? Of what?_

"…it…reminded me of how much you changed."

_I changed?_

"It's…maybe…well I never really realized how much you have changed in the last years, but…you did change and…I mean you…it always was as if you lost…the fun of life…I mean…in the last two years you…when I came here from Frisco you were still a funny guy. Nick was 'your boy' and you called him 'Nicky' and you gave bugs the name of the Beetles and…I don't know, you were just funny…and in the last two years you turned into a frustrated, somehow depressed scientist…who doesn't care about anybody else but himself and his bugs. I spent the whole last night thinking about what made you change…but I am clueless…it's just that…yesterday you…turned back into that funny guy for a few moments, you…you turned back into the man that I fell in…"

Suddenly Greg, Warrick, Nick and Sophia entered the break room, laughing and talking cheerfully.

Sara and Grissom turned around, looking at them, Sara obviously pissed off because of this distraction, Grissom relieved. He knew what she had been about to say…and he knew that he had no clue about what he should have said then. He was more than thankful for this distraction.

"Hey guys.", Greg said grinning.

Grissom noticed that evil grin in Warrick's face. _Damn it…Greg told him about Sara's bra! They will all think that we made out in the elevator! I should have never agreed playing this foolish game! I should have never told her to take off her bra without taking her shirt off! At least I should have thought about telling her to take it on again! But no, I was too self-absorbed to think of something like this…to think of the possibility that Greg could see her bra lying on the ground when he is coming to get us out! I am such a hero! And he saw it, because I will never ever have luck in my life! And now he told everybody what he thinks we did in that elevator…he told them we made out, he probably told them he'd have caught us in the act!…and now there will be rumors…rumors that might cost both of our jobs!_

"Hey…going out tonight?", Sara asked them.

"Sure. Usual time, we'll meet at 'Banalou'…we want to play pool billiard…drink some cocktails.", Nick answered.

_They will go out again, they will have fun…when was the last time I had fun, except for yesterday? …it must be a long time ago…I can't even remember a moment when I was really laughing. Maybe Sara was right…no, not maybe, she was sure right. I changed. I was able to have fun some years ago…and now…when was the last time I rode a roller-coaster? When was the last time I went out with friends and had fun? When…I don't even have real friends! I don't like being with people…but why? Because I am afraid they might get to know me…these people here think they'd know me…they think I am a weird, depressed scientist…they think this is the way I am…it is the way I am, but this is not the way I want to be!_

"So I heard you two had fun yesterday.", Warrick said grinning.

_I hate Greg!_

"What did you tell them Greggo?", Sara asked raising an eyebrow.

"He said the two of you made out in the elevator…he told us he saw your bra lying on the ground. He said you tried to hide it, but he could still see it.", Sophia answered before Greg could open his mouth.

"We were only playing truth or dare.", Grissom tried to defend himself.

"As if you would play truth or dare.", Nick laughed.

"No, he's telling the truth.", Sara tried to hide her desperation.

"So he told you to take off your clothes and to make out with him, or did you tell _him_ to take off _your_ clothes and to make out with you?", Warrick asked, grinning even more evil than before.

"He made me take off my bra without taking off my blouse…but we weren't making out or something like this! Hell, he is my supervisor…and he is _Grissom_."

_What the hell does she mean with 'and he is Grissom'? Why is she saying this? And why is she saying this the way she said it? Damn it, I really have to change! It can't go on like this anymore! _He swallowed hard, hoping he could get out of the room as fast as possible.

"And Grissom told her something about his _dreams_.", Greg said grinning.

_What the hell? Did he hear this? Did he overhear our conversation? Now I can imagine how he stood next to the elevator, pressing his ear against the doors to hear what we were talking! He said anything because he is so damned nosy! This guy will wake up with a tarantula on his face tomorrow morning! I will kill him with my bare hands if he is going to tell them that…_

"What dreams?", Sophia asked teasing.

"Dreams of women…one in specific."

_I will kill him, NOW!_

"Shut up Greg! That's not funny!", Sara said and left her seat, walking over to him. "Shut up or you wont see the morning light_ ever _again!", she said with an angry undertone.

_Oh my God! I love this woman!_

"It is funny! I bet you would have been laughing too, if he wouldn't dream about _you_.", Greg said laughing.

_He didn't say this, did he?_ Grissom wanted to strangle him, to kill him with his bare hands…_how could he just do this? How could he embarrass me like that?_ He wanted to jump up and leave the room, he wanted to do something…but he couldn't. He couldn't move, he couldn't think anymore. For the first time in his life there was nothing he was thinking about. His head was empty.

"_You_ have dreams about _Sara_?", Nick asked laughing so hard that he almost spilled his coffee over the table.

"He has _erotic_ dreams about Sara.", Greg whispered, loud enough that everybody in the room could hear it.

"You dumb ass!", Sara said angry.

Still Grissom wasn't able to move, what probably saved Greg's life.

Sara swallowed hard. She threw an angry look at Greg.

_I have to get out of here!_ Finally Grissom found the ability to move, he stood up and immediately left the room. He knew his head was probably as red as a tomato, he had never felt that embarrassed before.

He stopped in the hallway. Not knowing what to do next. He heard footsteps, he refused to turn around. _I don't want to see anyone of them! I wish I'd never have to see anyone of them again!_ Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Greg is such an idiot."

Now he turned around, looking into Sara's dark brown eyes. He knew how sorry she felt. He knew, that she knew how horrible he felt. He wanted to pull her into his arms, he wanted to hold her close, he wanted to feel her…but he knew how inappropriate this was right now. "Sara…I…I am so angry…I could…kill him!", he felt as if he'd be close to hyperventilate, he tried to tell himself to calm down, but failed.

She stepped closer to him, she laid her hand on his cheek and caressed it softly with her thumb.

_What the hell is she doing? She is touching me! In the hallway! In public! She shouldn't do this! Why is she doing this? Why? She shouldn't do this! And I should not like it, but it feels so good…her hands are soft! So soft! I want her to touch me…No! she shouldn't touch me! And I shouldn't like it as much as I like it…_

"Hey, calm down. He is an idiot sometimes…have you ever seen him drunk? I mean, _really _drunk?"

He couldn't help but laugh softly. The warmth in her eyes lightened up his mood. "I bet seeing him drunk is fun."

"Come with us tonight, then you can see it with your own eyes…oh and as soon as you know one of his dirty secrets, you can pay revenge at him."

"Everybody knows his dirty secrets."

"Not all of them.", she said grinning.

"Is there something I should know?", he raised an eyebrow.

She winked at him. "You need some fun in your life…the fact that _I_ am the one who tells you this should be funny enough…but I don't see you laughing, unfortunately…so…come on, join us tonight. I promise you that it will be fun."

_I can't do this…I…well if I would go there I could show them, that I am not a boring person and…maybe I should really join them…but after this? I can never ever look at them again! Never ever! I…_

"Do you know that you are really cute, when you are lost in thoughts?"

"I am neither lost in thoughts, nor am I cute."

She laughed softly. "You are…come on, join us. We're going to meet one hour after our shift ends."

"Sara, I can't look into their faces right now…I wont be able to look into their faces for the rest of my life. You can't imagine how hard it was for me to tell you about this…I only did it because I…it would have been unfair if I would have lied to you. But…this was nothing that I wanted anybody else to know.", he sighed. "This was so embarrassing."

"I know." Her hand slipped down from his cheek, over his arm to his hand.

_Oh my God…I'm getting goose bumps! I hope she doesn't notice this! _

"Hey. Don't think about this…yes, maybe they will talk about it for some time…but then something else will happen, either to you or to someone else and then they will talk about this."

"Uhm… 'either to me'? Do you think something more embarrassing will happen to me?"

"No…but we usually laugh about you."

"What?" _Oh my God! They make fun of me!_

"I'm kidding…just kidding. Greg usually is the one we are laughing about."

"He deserves that."

"Oh yes.", she nodded and smiled softly at him.

"Thank you…I really feel so much better now.", he said softly. _This woman is making my heart beat faster than it ever did!_

* * *

**TBC**

**Yeah I know...OOC, blah and...blah. Sorry, butI couldn't help it. Thanks for reading...I hope you'll want to read the next chap too...I don't want to spoil you for it but...I'm sure you might like that one ; )**


	8. out

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing : (

**AN: **This chapter is dedicated to the GS Jedi Ritter club...and I want to thank everybody who reviewed this story so far. Thank you, you encourage me to write on!

* * *

**Chapter 8: out**

He entered the bar, looking around to find the others. He knew Sara had told them that he would come there too, but he was scared that except for Sara no-one else wanted him there. He could finally spot Sara. _She looks so beautiful!_

Sara wore a beige blouse and dark blue jeans. Her hair was pinned up, her make up was light as always. _She is naturally beautiful! She is the most beautiful woman in the world, and I have the chance to spend this evenng with her! I am so glad that I came here!_

He walked over to them, somehow he felt more than stupid. Sara and Nick were playing pool billiard while Warrick, Greg and Mia sat at a table and had drinks.

When Sara saw him she smiled brightly. "Hey you. You are really here."

"Did you doubt it?"

"Somehow.", she said laughing softly. "But you are here now…take a seat.", she pointed at the free chair.

He nodded and sat down. "Hey guys." _I still hate it to be with them! I know that they are laughing about me! They make fun of me!_

"Hey Grissman!", Greg said with a bright grin on his face.

"Greg.", Gil nodded. It took all his strength to not strangle him.

"No man, for the ones that spend the nights with me I am Greggo…or the Gregman."

Grissom threw an asking look at Sara.

"He already had four drinks.", she said grinning.

He didn't feel comfortable at all. Warrick and Mia were talking about something that happened a few weeks ago at a night out, Greg, Nick and Sara were talking about other guests of the bar and seemed to have a lot of fun with that.

_Why can't I have fun? What is wrong with me?_ He couldn't take his eyes off of Sara. He watched her drinking her cocktail, he watched her brushing a strand of her out of her face, then she noticed that his eyes were almost eating her up. She smiled brightly at him. She leaned over to him. "Hey…you're not really enjoying this, are you?"

"It's not that I…I just don't…"

"WHOA! Party time!", Greg shouted out loud.

Grissom raised an eyebrow.

"Wait ten more minutes and he'll start ripping his shirt into a million pieces."

"Do I want to see that?", he asked forcing a grin.

"I hope not."

"EY CARAMBA!", Greg screamed into Grissom's ear.

_Hell can't this guy just shut up? And why is Sara laughing? She does not really call this fun, does she? How can somebody think that's funny? …maybe she had a couple of drinks before too…maybe I should get one too._

"Hey, you okay? Or are you already deaf?", Sara's cheery voice broke his thoughts. For a second he thought that he should have told her about his otosclerosis, then she would stop making those 'deaf' jokes…he hated those, but she didn't know, he couldn't blame her for that. _One day I will tell her…one day, maybe._ He looked up to her, she had left her seat and stood in front of him.

"You want a drink? I wanted to go over to the bar to get myself one…can I get you something too?"

_I should really get a drink._ "I'll come with you." _Everything is better than sitting her near Greg and sitting here with the others…I know what they think all the time they see my face! 'he has dreams about Sara'… 'he's a weird scientist who has kinky dreams about our friend' …I could kill Greg!_

A smile flashed over her lips.

He left his seat and followed her to the bar. When they reached it she took seat on a bar stool, he leaned against the bar with his back, looking at the groop of his co-workers, who were still in the best mood. "Can you recommend anything?", he asked her, wondering what he could drink. He wasn't the cocktail drinking kind of person.

"Lemon Drop."

"What's that?"

"Vodka, lemon juice, triple sec and ice."

_Okay…lemon's are good…and I need some alcohol to be able to survive this evening!_ "Then I'll take that."

She nodded, then turned to the barkeeper and ordered two Lemon Drops. Grissom watched her while she did so. _I love it when she talks…she has a beautiful mouth, her lips are so beautiful…I wish I could kiss her! I wish I could feel her soft lips on mine…I wish I could be with her, all alone, kissing her…her lips need to be kissed by me…hell Gil! It's not as if this woman would just wait for you! She is young, beautiful, desirable…every man wants a woman like her! Why should she want me? Why should she want to be kissed by me? Me, a weird scientist, about whom she knows that he has dreams about her, a man about whom she knows that he keeps a picture of her in his bedroom…a man about whom she thinks that he is emotionally unavailable…why should she want to be kissed by me? After all that I did, after all that I did not do…why should Sara Sidle still want to be with me?_

"You hate being here, don't you?", she had turned to him, looking at him, biting down on her bottom lip.

"I don't hate being here, it just takes some time until it stops feeling awkward."

"They weren't talking about you…if that's what you're afraid of."

He sighed.

"No-one made fun of you…they would never do that. Grissom we are here to have fun and _not _to make fun of people we like. You are,… even if you would deny it, you are our friend. We don't make fun of our friends…and except for Greg we are all adults…in the first few moments, getting to know such a secret may be funny…but we are not that stupid that we don't know, that this is something very personal and…that we shouldn't make fun of something like this, not only because it would hurt you…it's just not right to make fun of this."

_Oh my God! I could kiss her right now for this!_

She smiled softly. "Stop being concerned about this…try to have fun."

"I really tried to Sara…maybe it's just the lack of alcohol in my blood that keeps me away from thinking Greg's actions are funny, but…I really doubt that I can…"

"…we're working at the lack of alcohol at the moment…and if one drink doesn't work, have a second one.", she said grinning, handing him the cocktail.

"How many did you have?"

"Just one…I'm already used to Greg.", she said and winked at him. "Oh and don't worry, I will walk home."

"Alone?"

She laughed softly. "Are you afraid that I could find someone to join me in my bed or are you afraid something could happen to me?….oh wait, answer that question when the vodka kicked in.", she said laughing.

He took a sip of the cocktail. _It's both that I fear! I don't even want to think of her being with somebody else…I still shiver when I think of that horrible paramedic she dated!_

She was about to walk back to the others, without thinking about it he reached for her arm to hold her back. "Can we please stay here for a few minutes?"

She looked surprised, but nodded, stepping closer to him. The expression in her eyes was warm, her voice soft when she started speaking again. "Still not in the mood to be near him?"

"Still not able to overcome the urge to kill him."

"You should maybe try to see it from his point of view."

"How should that help?"

"Well if you would overhear that Warrick would tell Hodges that he had an erotic dream about him, wouldn't you tell everybody, wouldn't you laugh your ass off in the first moments?"

"First, I thought you were on my side. Second, you can't compare this! I mean, I'm thankful you compare me to Warrick in this situation, but you are definitely not Hodges…and now I can never get the thought of you being like Hodges out of my head anymore."

"Oh my Gosh! Grissom you…", giving a loud snort of laughter Sara had probably just imagined this.

For the first time this evening Grissom caught himself laughing, it might have been the vodka that had just kicked in, on the other hand he was sure, that if there was somebody with whom he could have fun with, then it was definitely Sara Sidle.

"That's not funny."

"It _is_ funny."

"Ha! Now you just admitted that you have fun tonight!", she said laughing.

"Yeah, probably…but only as long as I am with you." _Have I just said this? I shouldn't drink alcohol! ...But it's the truth. I want to be with her, I love it to be with her…_

"I'll see that as a compliment."

"It was one.", _oh my God! Shut up!_

A bright smile flashed over her lips, she tried to not look at him, obviously hoping she wouldn't blush. She looked down to the cocktail in her hand, chewing on her bottom lip.

"Hey…I didn't intend to shock you."

She looked up to him. "Probably I should have thought of making you drunk before.", she said grinning.

"Isn't that a man's trick?"

"But it works so good with you."

"Probably."

She tilted her head a little to the right, a bright smile on her lips, her eyes shining. "I am glad you are here.", she said softly. "I…I mean…you needed to have some fun."

He couldn't help but smile. It wasn't what she said, it was more the way she said it, that let his heart beat harder and faster. I have two options…finally allow these feelings for her to myself, show her what I feel and how much I love her, or I will continue with denying the love I feel for her and keep on living as the depressed man I am.

"Hey guys…what's up? We could need some help with Greg.", Mia asked out of breath.

Sara laughed softly. "Hell how much did he drink tonight?"

"Too much if you ask me."

"Tell Warrick and Nick they should bring him home…or at least order him a cab.", Sara offered.

"He says he wouldn't go home without you Sar.", Warrick joined.

"Oh come on, I took him home the last thirteen times! It's your turn now.", Sara protested. "And Grissom just arrived, it's too early to leave!"

"We have been here for two and a half hours now, and Greg drank more than five cocktails…and we all have to work tomorrow. Nicky and me have to be at work in a couple of hours…you four can sleep four hours longer than we can."

"You have your day off Rick.", Sara said laughing.

Warrick grimaced. "Hell yeah! I totally forgot that!"

"Well I'll call it a night now…I'm tired. Tell Greg he can come with me, I'll take him home safe…if he prefers going with a woman, you know…maybe he has doubts in…"

"…don't even finish that sentence!", Warrick lurked.

Sara leaned against the bar, not noticing, that she now leaned close to Grissom's chest. Grissom glanced down at her, not having noticed how close to him she really was, before, he now noticed it all the more. The urge to twine his arms around her grew bigger and bigger with every breath he took. Each time he breathed in and his chest lifted he could swear that he could feel her. He could feel the butterflies in his stomach. He swallowed hard. _Denying it doesn't help…everybody will get to see the evidence for my feelings for her in a few seconds if I am not going to do something now. NOW!_ "Guys, I think I will have to call it a night too."

Sara turned around. The disappointed expression in her face almost broke his heart. But he couldn't help it, yes he wanted her to know what he felt for her, one day, but not tonight and not like this.

"But you just arrived.", she said sad.

"Sara we all have to start working again in a couple of hours and…"

"…we should all call it a night.", Nick and Greg arrived at the bar. The two men couldn't have looked more exhausted. Greg, because he was totally drunk and Nick, because he had given his best to keep Greg from performing a lap-dance.

"Then let's go.", Sara sighed.

The others nodded and they left the bar.

Outside the groop split. Warrick and Nick decided to get home by cab, so did Mia and Greg. Sara insisted in walking and Grissom wouldn't let her walk alone.

They walked in silence for a couple of minutes. Grissom's eyes wandered over her body.

"You didn't enjoy it at all, did you?"

"No, it was okay."

"Why did you want to leave then?"

"You don't want to know."

"Would I have asked then?"

"I wont tell you.", he whispered. "But you can tell me something."

"What?"

"You were about to say something when the others entered the break room…before this whole disaster started and…"

"…oh that."

"Will you tell me what you were about to say?"

"I'm not sure."

"Why not?"

"It wouldn't be appropriate."

"Just tell me.", he said softly.

They had reached the entrance to her apartment building. She stopped and so did he. They stood close to each other. She turned to him, looking up to him. Their eyes met. Grissom could feel shivers running down his body_. I want to hold her…I want to feel her close to me, now! _Without thinking about it any more he put his arms around her waist and dragged her close to him. _This feels like the end of a date, the moment before a goodnight kiss… I never felt my heart beating so hard and fast, I never felt butterflies in my stomach that much and I never wanted to kiss a woman as much as I want to kiss her!_

"I was about to say, that…I mean I said that you changed and…that in these minutes in the elevator you reminded me so much of…of you back then."

"You said something else."

"If you already know what I wanted to say, why do you ask then?", she smiled softly and tried to throw an asking look at him, but the smile on her lips wouldn't let her.

_Because I want to hear it from you. Because I am not able to believe it otherwise. Because I have to know that what I think you wanted to say is right. Because I am scared that I am wrong with what I think you wanted to say…_ "So many reasons."

"You reminded me of the man I fell in love at first sight with so many years ago."

His heart was literally jumping. _I should do something now! I have to do something! I should tell her what I feel! I have to do something!_ It was hard for him to breath. Looking in her eyes was a pleasure and a torture at the same time, showers of pleasure and fear ran down his body. His hand ran over her back, crossed her arm and then rested at her cheek. He caressed it with his thumb. The feelings inside of him were much more than he could take, but he knew if he'd pull away from her now, he would regret it more than anything else he had ever done, he would regret it for the rest of his life and he would probably never get a second chance to hold her that way.

"I am glad you came tonight."

"I am glad you asked me to join.", he said softly.

And all of a sudden he felt Sara Sidle's lips on his cheek. He forgot to breath, his heart stopped beating, time stood still…

"Sleep well.", she whispered into his ear, then she entered the building and left Grissom standing outside in the light of the sun.

* * *

**TBC**

**thanks for reading! I hope you liked this little chapter...and I hope you will like the next one, that will be up on saturday...(if I can finish it until then...still have to reread it and change some stuff)**

**please let me know what you think of this story/chapter...I am trying to get better with every chapter (I really hope I am not getting worse!) **


	9. fire

**disclaimer: **I own nothing

**AN: **Thanks to everybody whoe keeps reviewing! This chapter is dedicated to my Dad.

* * *

**fire**

He laid on his sofa, another day had passed by, another day at work with Sara, he had to see her every day, he had to think of what had happened that night every single second…but he couldn't talk about it with her. Even if he'd really waned to, he wouldn't have found the strength and courage to do so. He could hear the rain outside, thunder and lightening took turns and ripped him out of his thoughts every now and then.

But what ripped him out of his last thoughts hadn't been the sound of the thunder, it had been a knock o his door. He wondered whether he should stand up and walk over to the door to answer it, or if he should simply pretend to be asleep. Another knock reassured him of what he had feared, the person was still there, the person still wanted him to open the door, the person probably still wanted to talk to him and it was probably something important that had to be discussed.

His weary footsteps were echoed in the empty and cold living room. It was right then when he realized how alone he really was. There was nobody he could return to when he came home from work, there was nobody he could wake up next to, there was nobody he could say goodbye to when he left the house…he was all alone. He tried to swallow and lock away the thoughts. He took a deep breath and opened the door.

_SARA!_

He was definitely surprised. There she was, the woman who had haunted in his mind and thoughts for the whole week, the woman that had kissed him in his dreams so often, and now he knew how it felt, now he knew how soft her lips really were. And now she looked at him, her wet hair hanging into her face, raindrops running over her face, her clothes totally soaked with rain. Her white blouse was totally transparent, the color of her blue jeans rubbed off on the sleeves of her blouse.

_What would I give to be one of the raindrops that are running down her neck and…her décolleté and…oh my god, that was a bad day not to wear a bra Sara!_ He swallowed hard.

"Hey.", she said softly, her hands in the pockets of her jeans, looking down to the ground shyly, then biting down on her bottom lips and looking up to him.

"Hey…what…are you doing…",_ I am so stupid, isn't it obvious that she wants to talk to me? She wouldn't be here otherwise. Oh my Gosh I am even more stupid, I let her stand outside in the rain…she is still standing in the rain. Ask her in Gil. Tell her to come in…..TELL HER TO COME IN! _

"Would you mind asking me in?"

_Damn it! What does she think of me now! I did not ask her in…I am so stupid and…I am such an idiot…I…_

"Okay, I get it I am going on your nerves, sorry for interrupting you from what ever you did."

_SAY SOMETHING! DO SOMETHING!_

She was about to turn around and leave.

"Sara, come in. Sorry…I…am an idiot, come in. Please, you're getting to catch a flu if you stay in these clothes one more second." _And I am going to totally embarrass myself if I will have to see her in that transparent blouse for one more second! And damn it, did I just sound as ifI would want to rip of her clothes and...no she knows that it's just because of the rain...does she?_

She seemed to refuse.

"Sara, please.", he pleaded. _I can't let her go home like this, she is going to freeze to death…she will be a walking ice block…she…_

"I have a problem.", she said while entering.

_Another problem? Isn't a transparent blouse enough? …does she know that her blouse is transparent? Should I tell her? But this would evidence that I was looking at her breasts and…she shouldn't know that. This is nothing for her to know!_ He cleared his throat. "There are dried clothes in the closet of my bedroom. You have to get out of this wet stuff. Try to find something you think might fit…I doubt you'll find something in your size…but…maybe you can find a shirt or so…I will get you some hot tea…do you want hot soup too or…something else?"

"Wet clothes aren't my problem.", she said softly.

_Oh my God, what's wrong? She doesn't look as if she cried, but…she is good in hiding her pain…but the rain could have cooled her face down…what is wrong with her?_

He stepped closer to her, holding her arm. "Sara…", he noticed that his voice was shaking. He swallowed hard. _Calm down Gil_. "…What…what is wrong?"

"There was a fire in my apartment house and…"

"…A fire? Are you okay? What about your apartment? Sara are you okay? Are you hurt? Are you…", he felt his heart beating faster, panic almost took control of him.

"…I'm okay…really.", she forced a smile. "And my apartment is okay too…at least I hope so. We are not allowed to go back into the building for forty eight hours, because of dangerous vapors, probably toxic."

"And you are really okay?"

She laughed softly. "Yes…yes."

Grissom's hand slipped over her arm, stroking up and down. "You have to change clothes."

She nodded softly.

"I guess you know where my bedroom is."

She smiled softly. "Yeah."

He softly caressed her cheek with his thumb. Then Sara turned away from him, walking over to his bedroom. He watched her leaving the living room, then turning around to walk over to the kitchen to get her some tea.

While he waited for the water to boil, he leaned against the kitchen counter. _What if the fire would have been in her apartment? What if she would have been hurt? I should have told her what I feel for her! She could have been hurt, she…could have been dead and…GIL! She is okay. Stop worrying, she says she is okay! She is in your bedroom, she is getting dried clothes. She is okay and…SHE IS IN MY BEDRROM! Searing for clothes in my closet! IN MY CLOSET! _His eyes widened. _HOW naïve am I? How stupid am I? She is in my bedroom, I allowed her to rummage in my closet! This is…just another invitation for her to…How stupid am I?_

He immediately left the kitchen, walking over to his bedroom. Without thinking he opened the door, entering the room.

Sara, who stood in the middle of the room, wearing nothing but her panties and had just been about to put on a white shirt.

_OH MY GOD!_

"Oh my Gosh! Grissom can't you knock the door or something before you just enter?", she turned away from him, putting on the shirt and then turned to him again.

_OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I saw her bare breasts! How am I supposed to get this picture out of my head again?_ "I…I am so sorry Sara …I…oh my God, Sara I am sorry!"

"You should be!", she teased.

"Sara I am…so sorry." _How will she ever forgive me this? How will I ever be able to stop thinking of…her body._

She laughed softly. "It's okay…it's your room…you shouldn't have to knock the door before you're allowed to enter…you…"

"…I should have knocked. Please don't get this wrong Sara, I didn't enter because I wanted to catch a sight on your breast, I…"_ Oh great Gil…you should be able to control yourself! It was already almost impossible to control yourself when her shoulder leaned against your chest, but now…oh my God I have to find a way to control myself, she…she is not allowed to notice that I…Oh my God! Think of something causal…think of something totally un-erotic, think of…sporks. Sporks are the most un-erotic, most useless utensils that exist and…it works. _"I had just…"

The sound of the kettle interrupted him. He swallowed hard. "The water is ready…I'll get you some tea." _THANK GOD!_

"Okay…although I'm more in the mood for a vodka after this.", she said joking.

_Like me…_ He left the room. _Oh my god, she looks so stunning in this simple white shirt, It's just a shirt and…a total simple shirt and…she…she is wearing one of my shirts! She is so beautiful. I will never wash this shirt again after tonight!_

A few seconds after he had taken a cup out of the cupboard and had placed it on the kitchen counter, he heard her footsteps in the living room. He filled the cup with water and put a teabag in it. Then he walked over to the living room.

Sara had taken seat on his sofa, she had wrapped herself in the blanket he had laid on before she had arrived. Grissom handed her the cup and sat down next to her, leaning forward, supporting his weight on his arms, his elbows rested on his thighs.

"Thanks.", she said softly, staring into the cup.

"Are you freezing or…can I get you something else? I…just tell me what you need and I'll get it for you."

"Everything's okay. Thank you."

"You can sleep in my bed tonight, I'll take the sofa.", _…although I would prefer sharing the bed._

"I don't want to cause any trouble…I…I just didn't know where to go to…I…"

"…I am glad you came here Sara.", he looked at her, now leaning against the back of the sofa. His arm made its way around her shoulders.

Feeling more than comfortable with being close to him Sara curled up against him, snuggling against his chest.

He couldn't help but loving being that close to her. Her hair was smelling after the smoke of the fire. Again he got filled with fear. _She could have been hurt._

"Gil…if…if it feels awkward for you to have me here then…I mean I can maybe sleep at Nick's apartment…I just wasn't sure if Nick would be alone and….I know that Greg is at Mia's tonight and…"

_So she was sure that I would be alone…great! This shows pretty much what everybody thinks about me!_ "You should maybe get a shower…your hair still smells after the fire." _Damn it this was harsh! Just because I don't have any friends that I could 'hang out' with…I shouldn't be that harsh to her._

Sara had immediately pulled away from him. Staring at him.

"I…I'm sorry. I…sorry.", he said softly, trying to reach for her hand.

But she wouldn't let him. She pulled more and more away from him and now sat on the other end of the sofa. She stared at him, her legs pressed against her body, her knees pressed against her chest, her arms hugging her legs. "What's wrong?", she sounded desperate.

He sighed. "Sara…it was just that…You said that…you didn't know where to go because you thought they'd all have dates and…so you came to me. I…it just feels like…"

She came closer to him again, now kneeling on the sofa, facing him. She laid her hands on his arm. "I'm sorry…I didn't really think about what I was saying…it's…I didn't even think about where I could go to…I…I knew that…if I needed someone to…be there for me, then…I mean, you would be there for me and…I honestly just started thinking about where I could go if you'd send me away when…when I started to feel that you don't feel comfortable with having me around here."

"I…Sara I feel comfortable with having you around here. What's funny…because I thought I wouldn't." He reached for her hands and took them both into his. "Sara…we should talk about…what happened when…", he cleared his throat. "…what happened when we said goodnight to each other after we had been out with the others and…"

"…do we really have to talk about this?"

_Wait a second! Is it her who doesn't want to talk now? Whoa! I have to mark this day in my calendar, with a big red circle around the date, the day that Sara Sidle didn't want to talk with me about how I usually tend to run out of every serious conversation, but is doing exactly what she is always criticising._

"I…I don't feel…I mean…is it really necessary to talk about what I did?"

"Sara…I just want you to know that…", he took a deep breath. "…I felt more than comfortable with that."

A bright smile flashed over her lips, then she looked down on their hands, she blushed and bite down on her bottom lip.

"Sara, I…I would love to…to go out with you again and…this time maybe without the others." _Did I just ask her out? DID I JUST ASK HER OUT? Oh my God! This was so much easier than I ever thought it would be! Oh my God! What if she says that she does not want to go out with me, what if she does not want to…have dinner with me …what if she says 'no'?_

She smiled softly. "I would love that."

_She said 'yes'! No, she said it even better! She said she would love to go out with me!_ His heart was literally jumping.Hell _I am close to hyperventilate! _

She laughed softly, then she reached up for his cheek and caressed it with her thumb. "I have never seen you smiling that bright."

_Oh my God, now I will blush! Don't blush! Calm down Gil! _

"I should take a shower before I go to bed…I mean I don't want your sheets to smell after smoke…and…"

_Sara in my shower, Sara in my bed…oh…Gil, don't think of her that way! You shouldn't think of her like that when she is sitting right next to you and…can see everything that is going on with you…or parts of you and…think of sporks! Calm down, think of sporks, go search a towel for her! Think of unattractive, boring, idiotic, useless sporks…only utensils made of plastic…and now go and search a towel for Sara!_

* * *

**TBC**

**okay, I hope no-one got that 'spork' thing wrong. 'Spork' (for those who are not from YTDAW) is a 'nick name' for Sophia...meant in a negative way ; )**

**Thank you for taking the time to read. I hope I can update soon, but sometimes real life sucks...**

**I hope you liked this chapter : )**

**and beforeI forget, I want to great everybody from YTDAW: ) :waves: **


	10. towel

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

AN: I know this chapter was due days ago. Sorry! I hope you will like it, it wasn't easy for me to find something to write about. I want to thank **sweetjewel**, because she really helped me : ) thank you!

* * *

**towel**

He woke up earlier than usually. He wondered what might have waken him up, he tried to make out if Sara was maybe already awake, he tried to make out footsteps or other sounds she might produce, but it was completely silent around him.

He left the sofa, now realizing how much his back really hurt from spending the night on it.

_She's sleeping in my bed!_

He couldn't resist the temptation, he had to catch a look on her…just for one second. He had to see her lying in his bed. He would probably never get the chance for this again. He slowly walked over to his bedroom door. _But what if she wakes up? What will she think then? She will think I entered to watch her! She…okay I will simply tell her that I wanted to take a shower and that I needed clothes. I really need clothes anyways…and I have to shower too…I'm not even lying at her! _"A perfect day starts with a perfect thought.", he told himself smiling.

He opened the door without making any sounds. He stepped inside, walking on his tiptoes. He walked over to his closet, not daring to take a look on her, before he hadn't found something in his closet, that would serve as alibi for him to be in there.

He opened the door of his closet, holding his breath, trying to remember if he had already oiled the squeaking hinge. Almost blindly he reached into it, grabbing for clothes. Now, when he finally had everything he needed, he turned around. And there she was, still asleep, lying on her right side, her head resting on her arm, wrapped into his blanket. _She looks like an angel…her curled hair, her red lips…hell my blanket suits her. _

Suddenly she moved her arm softly.

_Damn! She's waking up! I have to get out of here! She….is not allowed to see me!_

He walked over to the door, still on his tiptoes, not slow this time, but as fast as he could. Before leaving the room completely he took a last look at her when he closed the door. She was silently sleeping. _Huh…no need to panic. You didn't wake her up._

He closed the door, leaning against it with his back for a couple of moments. _She is so beautiful, she is so…wonderful…and she is in my house, in my bedroom, in my bed…sleeping in my bed. _His heart bet fast and loud. For a couple of seconds he listened to its sound. _I never before felt something like this…I have never felt something like this for anyone before. How am I supposed to ever get this picture of her out of my head?_

He sighed. _Come on Gil, get a shower, get some coffee and then calm down._

He walked over to his bathroom. When he entered it, the first things he saw were the towels he had given to Sara. He swallowed hard, trying to push away the thoughts of Sara under his shower. He took off his clothes, turned on the water and hesitated for a while, before finally entering the shower.

By the moment the cold water ran down his body, the pictures of last night ran through his mind again. Sara standing outside in the rain, her clothes totally soaked up with water, then the moment when he had entered his bedroom accidentally and had seen her breasts…not totally accidentally; Sara lying in his arms, and then he remembered the moment he had asked her out, his heart began to beat faster, as if it was running a marathon, the feeling of butterflies in his stomach wasn't ignorable anymore either. _She said yes! She said she would love to! She wants to spend time with me! She…hell I think I haven't been that happy in all my life!_

And without really noticing it, he started to whistle random notes that just popped into his head. Maybe it was his good mood, the fact that he would go out with Sara - maybe soon, but it could also have been the mixture of the now hot water, the steam and the scent of his shower gel.

_Hell…if someone would hear this he'd probably order a straitjacket for me! _He thought laughing.

He left the shower, wrapped a towel around his hips and dried his hair with another one. He brushed his teeth, and was about to take on his clothes, when he realized that he had taken out the wrong ones. When he had reached into the closet, he had paid more attention to Sara than on the clothes he was taking out of it…and so he must have grabbed for one of his pyjamas.

_Great…you hit the jackpot Gil Grissom! Now I have to go back to the bedroom to get clothes! Only wearing a towel! _

He opened the door carefully, hesitating to leave the bathroom, but there was nothing he could do…he had to get to his bedroom. _Note, store clothes in the bathroom, in case this should ever happen again!_

He slowly walked down the hallway. And then it hit him like a bolt. The door of his bedroom was opened. He swallowed hard. _Damn. _What should he do now? Running back into the bathroom? Hiding from her? That wouldn't work anyways, once he would have to come out. He could sprint into his bedroom…but if she'd see that it would be more than embarrassing…but if she'd see him like this it would be embarrassing anyways. But walking slowly would appear as if he wouldn't have a problem with the situation…_and she really don't has to know that I feel uncomfortable._

So he walked slowly over to the bedroom, praying that she was in the kitchen and wouldn't see him. He had almost reached the door, thinking that he was safe, when he heard her voice behind him.

"Hey…did you sleep well?"

He swallowed hard. _Don't blush! Try to stay calm! She does not have to see that you would love to burn right now! _He slowly turned around. "Uhm…yeah." _She is still wearing the shirt…she put her hair back in a ponytail…I love it when she wears her hair in a ponytail! _His eyes made their way down to her legs, her bare legs. He swallowed hard. _This woman has the most beautiful legs in the world!_

She nodded softly. "I figured."

_How?_

"I always thought you would sing under the shower…I didn't know you're the whistling kind of guy."

"We learn new things about people everyday.", …_and if she is going to tell anybody that I was whistling under the shower, she will learn that, no matter how much I love her, I can become really furious!_

She smiled softly. "That sofa looks uncomfortable…you should have joined me in bed. I wouldn't mind.", she winked

_Did she just say this? Oh hell! Get this picture out of your head!…me and Sara sharing a bed…how often have I dreamed of that! I would twine my arms around her, and she would snuggled against my chest with her back, I would hold her as close to me as possible…and I would never let her go again. We would lie there this way forever. I would kiss her shoulders and I would run my hands over her body. I would…Oh my god! Now I am more than thankful for wearing this towel! If I'd wear trousers this would be the most embarrassing thing that ever happened to me! I have to stop thinking about that! _

"I made us some coffee…I hope you don't mind."

_Oh Honey I would never mind. _

She tilted her head to the right and smiled.

"Why are you smiling?"…_why am I asking? Isn't it obvious?_

"Nothing…it's just…", she bite down on her bottom lip, trying to not look at him. For a few seconds she stared down to the ground, then she probably figured the ground wasn't the best thing to look at and she tried to search for another point she could look at somewhere in the room. "…I am…here in your house, wearing nothing but one of your shirts and…you are standing in front of me, only wearing a towel…it's…if someone would see us now…it would be easy to draw conclusions."

"But I slept on the couch, you slept in my bed…and no-one will see us.", _am I trying to calm myself down or am I really trying to calm her down, just like I pretend to do?_

"Right.", a smile flashed over her lips. "I…will go and get my clothes out of the dryer."

"You should maybe go and buy some stuff for today…I mean, they are dried, but not clean and…if you need a credit card or…cash, just ask. I can borrow you the money.", he leaned against the door frame. He didn't feel comfortable at all, but she seemed to enjoy this, not that he could understand, but he did not want her to feel or see how uncomfortable the situation was for him. _Just get this over as 'easy looking' as possible. _

"Thank you. I…I will get my clothes out of the dryer and then I will go and search for new ones."

He nodded and was about to turn around.

He felt that he striped the doorframe a little too hard, before he could react, the towel loosened from his hips and slipped down to the ground.

"Oh my God!", Sara immediately turned around, now standing with her back to him.

He neither knew what to do nor what to think nor what to feel. It was as if it had all happened in slow motion, but he didn't have the chance to stop what had happened. He also turned around, grabbing for the towel on the ground.

"I couldn't see anything.", she said, obviously swallowing the urge to burst out in laughter.

He couldn't breath, he only felt his heart beating, running, as fast as a high-speed train. There was nothing he could do to turn back the clock, there was nothing he could do to make her forget about this. And he knew she was just telling him that she couldn't see anything to not make him feel even more horrible. "Don't lie.", he said desperately.

"Okay! I saw everything! I'm sorry! I am so sorry!", she laughed so hard that she was almost breaking down to the ground.

_Great! Make fun of me Sara…this does not boost my sympathy for you Honey._

"I'm sorry!", she said now hardly trying to bear down her laughter.

He knew his face was as red as a clown's nose. _I am embarrassing myself to death…I will never be able to look into her face again! How am I supposed to live with this? _

He stepped back into the bedroom and closed the door behind himself. He locked it and sank down to the bed. _Oh my God! Why does this always happen to me? What have I done wrong, do I really deserve this? What have I done wrong? I never even forgot to pay a ticket! …I never even got one in the last years! I am a good person! I do so not deserve this! And then this! She saw me! Naked! Wearing nothing! NOTHING! _

A knock on the door ripped him out of his thoughts. "Gil…are you okay?"

_Don't you call me Gil! Please! Not NOW!_

"Gil? Hey…I saw nothing that I wouldn't know...I mean…I saw this before….not you but…others and…."

_Does she really have to tell me this? _

"…you know, we're both adults, we should be able to deal with this."

_I can't!_

"And, well I did not run away and locked myself into the bedroom after you saw my breasts."

_I did not run away! And I locked myself in because I don't want her to come in here! And I wish I would not have to listen to her right now! This is so embarrassing! Why does she have to talk about this? Why? Can't we just forget this? Please!_

"And if I know one thing, you really don't have to be ashamed, if you know what I mean."

_I do know what you mean! And hell I so wish I wouldn't! I could cry! I could really cry, everything was so…good, at least if you account the way it was before! And then something like this happens! It's not fair! It's simply not fair!_

"Gil…you're still alive, are you?"

"Barely.", he said softly.

"I know that you feel…embarrassed…you can't imagine how I felt yesterday! But hey, now you saw the part north of my bellybutton and ..okay I saw everything…but…I saw the important part south of your bellybutton and you saw my important parts…okay not all of them because…anyways…hell that's not the end of the world!"

_In fact, this is really not the total end of the world…but the fact that there was a lot of blood in the parts she saw while she saw it…could be the end of the world, if the world wouldn't hate me that much…the world would never do such a favor to me! _He sighed, then sat up and walked over to his closet. He felt that his head was still burning…he knew that it would stay this way for the next weeks, maybe months. Whenever he would see her he would be reminded of this.

He got dressed and while doing so he began to calm down a little. Sara had been silent for a while now, he wondered if she might have left.

He unlocked the door and opened it. Sara must have taken seat on the ground, leaning with her back against the door, because now she lost balance and tipped back against him. Now she lay on the ground, looking up to him with her brown eyes.

"Hey…can't you warn me before you open the door?", she said with a warm smile on her lips.

"How should I know you'd lean against it?…I have a sofa next to the door, why didn't you take seat on it?", he couldn't help but smile softly. She looked so sweet, lying there, still wearing his shirt, that happy, somehow teasing smile on her lips…

"Because I always prefer walking the difficult way…I love challenges."

"Where's the challenge when you sit on the ground?"

"The challenge in that case is, to find out where it is….did this make any sense?", she laughed.

"Not that I know.", he lend her a hand and helped her to get back up on her feet.

Now she stood in-front of him, she tilted her head softly to the right. "You're okay?"

_She already knows how uncomfortable I feel…why should I lie to her. It wouldn't make any sense and she would know that it's a lie. _"Actually…no."

She nodded softly.

"Could we change the subject now?"

She grinned. "Yeah…this time I think it's a good idea to change the subject."

He left the room, walking over to the kitchen. Coffee…coffee will help me to get over this! "Do you know that this shirt seats you?", he couldn't help, he had to tease her a bit now.

"I thought we wanted to change the subject!", she called after him, still standing in the bedroom.

"Well we are not talking about me anymore…changed subject.", he said grinning.

"Now you enjoy this!", she said, now walking up to him.

"Enjoy is the wrong word. It…helps me to deal with the event."

_"_Oh great…and I had just convinced myself to not tell everybody about it."

_She wouldn't dare to tell anyone! Would she?_

"I think Greg would love to know this."

"You wouldn't tell him.", he pretended to be calmed, but inside he panicked once again.

"How much will you pay me?"

"Pay you?"

"Well…hush-money."

"You want me to pay you?"

She laughed. "You can pay in kind."

"Oh…how nice. So…what do you want?", just now he realized that they stood close together, she was almost leaning against him. Without really thinking about it, he slipped his arms around her waist.

"Dinner, tonight… Just the two of us."

"You know that this is an extortion, do you?" _It feels so good to have her that close to me…I never knew she would really tease me that much…and I never knew I would like that._

"Yeah…and I know that you will take me to the Picasso tonight."

_That's one of the most expensive…but she is worth it. But I will have to borrow her a lot of money…she will have to buy a dress for this. Oh a beautiful dress…and shoes…I wonder how she would look in a long dress, with high heels and…oh I should really not think about this…Oh God thank you that we both have our day off today! Maybe I will never get such an opportunity again!_

"Deal?", she asked, throwing a questioning look at him.

"Deal.", he sighed.

She smiled brightly. "I will go buying clothes then…uhm…can you maybe…"

"…you will have to pay in kind."

"What?"

"Well…you will have to answer me a question…before I will give my credit card to you, I will have to see if I can really trust you."

"That's a joke…you're kidding, are you?"

"Answer me a question…only one…", he cleared his throat. _Okay this will be embarrassing but I have to know! _"Why did you laugh?"

"When?"

"When….the towel…"

"…oh then.", her eyes widened. "Hell, Oh my Gosh! I was not laughing because of…of special parts…I…I was laughing because of the situation and…because…Gil I…it was just the situation.", she made him look into her eyes, by placing her hands on his cheeks. "Just the situation." she said serious.

He sighed. "Credit card is on the desk in the living room, in my wallet."_ But it doesn't make it feel any better… this will haunt me for the rest of my life! _

* * *

**TBC**

**I hope you liked it at least a bit...I know that this is probably OOC...and the whole thing with the towel... :sighs:**

anyways...next chapter will be on soon! (I promise)


	11. the first

Disclaimer: I still own nothing : (

AN: I am so sorry for the late update! The pain didn't make it easy for me to write and actually I had planned to change some things in this chapter before I update, but the fearsof the surgery/surgeries totally blocked me...but I just felt as if I couldn't let everyone wait any longer...it will take maybe two weeks until chap 12 can be up...because I will spend the next week in hospital and I don't know if I can write there.

This chapter is dedicated to everybody from the **GS Jedi Ritter Club**!

Special thanks to **Sweetjewel** and **Teryl**! Thank you both so much! I would go totally crazy and insane without you two!

* * *

**the first**

He sat on the sofa, staring on his hands. He was shaking. _Great…you should not be that nervous, it's not good if she sees that you are nervous! Damn how much time does she still need to get dressed? She is in the bathroom for about an hour now…I never thought she would be someone who spends hours in the bathroom…I wonder how she will look like…I wish she would have shown me what she bought…I could only see that it was a dark red dress…or something in dark red…but I think she will wear a dress…will it be long? I think she prefers long ones, although she has great legs, she is not the kind of woman who is trying to outline the way she looks…she is not like Catherine. Gladly. But I think a short dress would look great, more than great…I wouldn't be able to take my hands off her if she'd wear a short dress, and in addition to this a plunging neckline…no she would never wear something like this…or would she? And her hair…will she wear it opened? Straight or with curls? I don't know what I would love more…or maybe she pinned it up…that would be great…_He swallowed hard. _I need a cold shower!_

He tried to focus on something else but failed completely, more and more pictures of Sara ran through his mind, he felt his blood rushing to an area south of his belt buckle, he felt his heart beating faster and harder and it wasn't easy to breath. _What will happen after the dinner?_

He heard how she opened the bathroom door. He held his breath, now he would see her.

But before he could see her, she stopped.

"You have to go out."

"What?"

"Well, this is a date, you have to pick me up."

"This is my house."

"But the man has to pick the woman up…that's a rule…it's an unwritten law…"

"…actually it was written down I think." _…oh Gil, can't you just keep your shut?_

"What?"

"I mean…there are a couple of…guidebooks out there in the bookstores…maybe it's written in one of them."

"Are you speaking out of experience?"

_I knew she would ask this! I knew it! And I couldn't keep my mouth shut!_ "Sara, can't we just go and have dinner? I don't want our reservation to expire and I don't want to starve either…can you imagine how difficult it was to get a table for dinner at the Picasso? It's the most famous restaurant in Las Vegas."

She didn't answer, but he heard how the front door shut. _Behind her?_ Had she left? Leaving him alone? Was she angry? Had he been too harsh? In his eyes he had not been harsh at all…at least he had not meant to be. For a couple of seconds he sat on the sofa, not moving, not breathing, feeling totally numb.

Then the doorbell rang. He jumped up, almost running to the door, he opened it and stared at Sara. She looked stunning.. She wore a short, dark red dress, that was corseted in the back, silver high heel sandals, a silver necklace and a matching bracelet. Her hair was pinned up, a few strands of hair hang into her face. She was smiling brightly at him, her eyes were shining in the dark.

_Dear God! And I thought the way she looked this morning was already the most beautiful way she could ever, possibly look. I was so damned wrong!_

"I'm a modern woman.", she said and winked. "If you don't want to pick me up, then I pick you up."

He laughed softly. _And I was so scared that she just left!_

"Oh and I will take you home too…and I wont ask you if you'd like to see my stamp-collection…because I sold that one to finance my apartment.", she said grinning.

He stepped out and closed the door behind himself. Then he reached for her hand and they walked over to his car.

"So…modern woman, are you going to drive?"

"It's your car."

He gave a faked sigh. Pretended to shake his head in disbelieve and opened the passengers door for her.

She entered the car and he did so too, after she had taken seat and he had closed the door for her.

_I should tell her how great she looks, women expect that…don't they? But how should I tell her, the best moment had been the one that I wasted with staring at her. I should have been the one that talked first when I opened the door!_

He started the engine, he risked a glance at her, immediately feeling his blood rushing southwards again. He felt her eyes on his body, he knew she was looking, staring at him, watching every little move he made…and this did not make it easier to focus on the street or at not going crazy and giving in to the temptation she was right then.

They remained in silence for a while, he didn't know how to break the silence. He wished she would make the first step, but somehow he felt that it was his turn. She had done more than a lot to get this thing between them to the point it was now. Still it wasn't a relationship…and it would probably need a long time until he could really call it one, but it had been her who had kept chasing him in the last five years, if she would have given up, they wouldn't be here now. He would still be alone, a weird, lonely, depressed scientist. But now he was neither lonely nor depressed, the direct opposite was the case. He felt happy, happy with her near him. Yes there was still this uncomfortable feeling shining through from time to time, and it would take a while until he could get away from that, especially after the events of this morning, but he knew, one day he would have the courage to take this all to a higher level.

He pulled the car into the parking lot and stopped. Taking a deep breath before he opened the door and left the car. He walked over to the passengers site and helped Sara out. She stood close to him, he could smell the sweet scent of her perfume, he felt her breath on his skin and he looked deep into her eyes. "Sara…you look…stunning.", he whispered.

A bright smile flashed over her lips. "Thank you.", she said softly, her cheeks were blushing, she tried to look somewhere else, probably she couldn't take the tension between them either. He wanted to kiss her, passionately, more passionate than he had ever kissed someone before and more passionate than she had ever been kissed…he wanted to pin her against the car and kiss her impetuously…but they were in public, on a parking lot and everybody could catch a look at them. _Think rational!_

He took her hand into his and softly dragged her to the entrance of the restaurant.

They had taken seat at a table near to the windows, they sat facing each other, candle light and music formed perfect a romantic atmosphere. His fingers caressed her hand, both were looking at their hands for a while. He liked this picture. Feeling her soft skin made him feel a safety that he had never felt before. And the silence between them didn't feel uncomfortable anymore either. He enjoyed it to be with her.

They ordered dinner and drinks and waited for it to be brought.

"So…tell me something about you.", she said softly.

"There is nothing interesting to tell about me."

She laughed softly. "I so don't believe you…c'mon you know so much about me, I know nothing. Tell me something about your childhood…a little story…something funny that happened."

He sighed. "Okay…but, be warned."

"Warned?"

"When I was 8 years old, our neighbour's cat died, because of…"

"…you? Don't tell me you killed a cat!"

He shook his head grinning. "Let me finish my sentence. It died. NOT because of me…but I was the one who found it. And…I was very interested in science, and I had dissected mice and birds before…but never a cat, so I was curious…I didn't tell the neighbour that I had found her cat, but…carried it home in my satchel."

Sara grimaced.

"I took it home, my mother had a doctors appointment, so I was all alone there. And…I borrowed our kitchen knifes and tried to find out what the COD was."

"Did you find out?", she asked still with a little disgusted expression in her face.

"No…my Mom returned home…I had to hide that cat and…I put it into one of the kitchen cabinets because I knew that she never used some of them…end of the story is that I forgot about the cat and my Mom was almost driven insane by the smell. She asked me where it came from, I said I wouldn't know…and I really didn't know, because I had totally forgotten about that cat…I had found some birds and was occupied with dissecting them."

"What happened then?"

"When my Mom finally found the source of the smell…it wasn't difficult for her to count one and one together…bad thing was she thought I had lied to her…but the worst thing was, that she thought I had killed it. She sent me to the neighbour and wanted me to tell her what I had done, I refused, because I _really_ hadn't killed that cat. So my Mom grabbed me by the earlobe and dragged me over to that old woman's house. She made me tell …I think her name was Miss Garber, she was the librarian of our school's library, …she made me tell Miss Garber that I killed her cat. Whenever I wanted to borrow a book from the library she wouldn't let me, and if I borrowed it while her colleague was working instead of her, she would find some ripped out pages when I brought it back and made me pay it, and I tell you, that woman was the one who ripped the pages out!…I guess half of library books had been paid by my mother by the time that I left school."

Sara laughed softly. "Did you do that often? Dissecting dead animals?"

"Well…actually, yes."

"And your mother let you do that?", she asked unbelieving.

"She never found out.", he said smiling softly.

"Well, now I know why you love your job that much…you have been a geek from your birth on, have you?"

He nodded. "Probably."

"Who was the first woman you fell in love with?"

"Uhm…what?", he asked unbelieving. _Did she just ask this? Is she simply changing the theme from innocent to …sex? From comfortable to extremely uncomfortable? Why is she interested in this?_

"Well, your first crush…how old were you? Who was she?"

"Why…do you want to know that?"

"I'm nosy."

_That's not new to me._ He thought smiling.

"So…will you tell me?"

"You know that there is a difference between physical attraction and 'love'."

"What does this have to do with the question I asked?"

"I don't want you to think that I have never been together with a woman until I actually fell in love for the first time.", he sad softly, staring down on his hands. It didn't feel good to tell her this, it didn't feel right, not now.

She looked into his eyes and he looked into hers, and he knew that now she knew what he had tried to tell her.

"I shouldn't have asked.", she said softly, absentminded staring on their hands, her eyes following the motions of their fingers while they were caressing each others hand.

"It's okay."

"Do you honestly mean that?"

He swallowed hard. "Could we talk about this somewhen else?", he said hoping.

She bite down on her bottom lip and nodded. She sighed again.

They didn't speak, they just sat there, looking at each other from time to time.

They both enjoyed the silence. She seemed to be lost in thoughts and so was he. He wondered what she was thinking, what she was thinking about him, about tonight, about what had happened this morning.

When something broke the silence between them, it had not been neither her nor him, but his cell phone. He refused to answer it with every cell of his body. It rang twice, once more…and everybody in the restaurant was looking at them, staring, throwing angry looks at them.

Sara laughed softly. "Answer it…probably it's important."

"I don't want anything to disturb…", he couldn't finish his sentence, Sara had reached over to him and had taken his cell from his jacket, now she answered the call.

"Yeah…oh hey… Uhm…no you did not dial the wrong number, he's here, gimme a second.", he handed the cell over to him. "It's Warrick."

_Work! Not now! Why now?_ "Yeah.", he know he sounded irritated, but he didn't care. Sure, Warrick didn't know that he was _just_ disturbing their first date, but it was his day off, why was Warrick calling him?

"Hey man, we need your help."

_I figured. Damn it!_ "With what?"

"A case…corpse has been found in the desert, a lot of bugs and larvae and stuff like that has been found and…you're the only entomologist in Vegas I know."

He sighed. "I actually…don't have time right now."

"But we need you Grissom."

_And I know that there is no time when it comes to entomological evidence…why, why now? Why?_ "Okay…we'll meet at the lab."

"Actually we would need you at the scene."

"Call me again in ten minutes, okay?"

"Yeah man…hell I don't want to know what you two were doing.", Warrick said laughing and Grissom knew what the young man probably thought. And he didn't like that at all, but he hated it even more, that he had to leave.

He looked at Sara. She threw an asking look at him. "I have to go."

"I figured.", she said and sighed. "Well…if you have to go, then you have to go."

"Sara I…I wish I could stay I…"

"…it's okay. Really. The job comes first.", she smiled, but it was obviously faked.

"No Sara, the job _does not_ come first. And I wish I could stay…"

"…Gil, I know how it is…I'm a CSI too…those things happen."

_But I don't want them to happen!_ "Sara…I…"

She rolled with her eyes. "Gil, it is not the end of the world."

"But the end of the evening…and I really don't want…" His cell rang again. He answered the call, sounding angry. "What?"

It was Warrick again. "Hey man, I know ten minutes didn't pass by yet but…"

"…Warrick I am on my way…so stop going on my nerves." He closed his cell. And took a deep breath. He took his credit card out his wallet and handed it to her together with twenty dollars. "Finish dinner, take a cab home…and please don't hate me."

She laughed softly. "I could never hate you."

"I will make it up to you."

"I know.", she said softly.

He left his seat and grabbed for his jacket. He walked over to her and placed his hand on her cheek. He wanted to kiss her, but was it right to kiss her now? This wasn't what he had planned for their first real kiss. But now he had to do something, she was looking into his eyes, she was expecting something to happen. He took another deep breath, then leaned forward and softly kissed her on her forehead. _Forehead is better than nothing_. He thought hoping she wasn't too disappointed.

"See you later then." , she said softly.

He nodded, his thumb striped her bottom lip and he felt that she shivered softly. "I will make it all up to you.", he whispered, then turned away and left, not able to stand the tension anymore. There was a battle going on inside of him, he hated himself for leaving her there, with every step he made he hated himself more. And on the other hand he knew that he had to leave, it was his job to solve crimes and this job had been his life for a long time.

He tried to remember the moment when it had stopped being his life, the last months had been full of happenings that had changed him. These changes hadn't been as clear as now for him before. He wondered what he should think of this. Just a few months ago he had always told himself that he was not allowed to change. _And now I changed. I stopped telling me to not give in to my feelings, I stopped pretending, I stopped forbidding me the feelings for her to myself…it's weird. I never thought somebody could ever mean that much to me that…she could change me, totally change special parts in me, that she could revitalize my heart._

_I never thought Sara could ever mean that much to me…she was the first woman I ever fell in love with. She is the first woman that gives me the feeling that I can totally be myself, no matter what I do, she will always be there for me. She will always care for me. I have to show her that I feel the same! If I can't tell her into her face then I will have to show it to her, at least I have to do something! I don't have to be afraid, she loves me as much as I love her, but if I am not going to show this to her she might leave me. It's not that she would stop loving me, but I hurt her with what I do, and one day she will realize how much I really did wrong. And then she will leave, because I still didn't make the next step. It's my turn to do something…and a kiss on the forehead is just not enough. _

* * *

**TBC**

**thanks a lot for reading : ) I really hope you liked this chapter! And please don't hit me for anything I wrote :pleads:**


	12. finding the right words

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**AN:** okay….uhm….just to warn you…this chapter is a little different. I guess the time in the hospital had a little effect on it….I wrote the first part there so…..anyways…blame it on the painkillers ; )

This chap is dedicated to all my friends that kept calling me in hospital and to everybody who thought of me : ) ! Thank you!

* * *

**Finding the right words **

He had collected evidence since four hours now, he had thought about calling her, asking if she was okay, apologizing once more for leaving her alone while dinner. He still felt horribly bad. He knew, if he wanted a personal relationship with her, he had to find a way to let his days off really be his days off. No calls from work, no calls from anybody else…just her, his days off should just be spend with her.

The last piece of evidence had been bagged in and he decided to leave the scene now, to spend the time that was left of the night with Sara_. I promised her to make it up to her…hell I hope she does not expect a hot night of passion…I am not ready for this, so not ready! But how can I make this up to her? I totally destroyed our first date! I am such an idiot! How could I ever think I could make it up to her? I can't even forgive myself, and I am myself…self hatred is not good and I know that…how will she be able to forgive me when even I can't forgive myself? _

He turned on the radio on his ride home, they played love song after love song, what didn't help to make him feel better. He searched for other channels…but only the one that played heavy metal did _not _play love songs…and he was not in the mood for heavy metal either. The more songs about never ending love and eternal feelings he listened to, the more he wondered…_what do I really feel for Sara? I love her, but is this really that never ending love, or am I just thinking that I love her, because I never felt something like this before…is that really love? And if it is…how will I find out? Is that something I get to know sometime? I doubt that one day the postman will knock on my door handing me a letter and tells me 'Mr. Grissom, this is your official certificate, now you are officially in love with Sara Sidle.' Although it would be helpful if somebody would simply tell me that I am…it could be helpful. …Gil, that's ridiculous!_

He pulled over and parked his car. He left it and entered his house as quiet as possible. He knew he needed a real evidence before he could really tell her into her face that he loved her. But what would this evidence be? Would he immediately know that it was _the _evidence when he found it? Or would he need another evidence to find out that this was the evidence? _You're in a vicious circle!_

He found Sara sleeping on his sofa, wrapped in the blanket, he had covered up himself with last night. She looked like the sleeping beauty, he wondered if it would wake her up if he'd kiss her…and he wondered if he could kiss her. It was out of question that she wanted to be kissed by him, he knew that she wanted to, he had seen it in her eyes so often. The question was, could he handle it? Could _he_ kiss her? Really kiss her? Not just on her forehead, could he kiss her on her lips? With the option that she would let him deepen the kiss? Or would she deepen the kiss? Could he take it to feel her tongue with his?

He sat down on the edge of the sofa, running his hand through her hair. She immediately woke up. She looked up to him, her eyes shining in the almost dark room that was only illuminated by a little lamp in a corner.

"Hey.", she whispered, sitting up.

"Hey.", his hand caressed her cheek, he had no chance but to do so, it was as if his hand would listen to his heart and not to his brain, and probably this was good, he thought.

"How's the case going?"

"I collected all the evidence, I'm going to analyse it at shift tonight."

"You're going to work with swing shift?"

"I actually don't think Catherine will let me…it wont take that long to analyse it anyway…no hurry."

"That's good."

"Why?"

"Just because.", she said and winked.

He cleared his throat, suddenly he had realized something. "Sara…when we are taking this thing between us to a…higher level…then,…one of us has to switch shift." First he was shocked about this fact, he had pushed it away since a couple of weeks…and now it had hit him like a bolt. He wouldn't be able to work together with her anymore…and not working on the same shift would mean less time he could spend with her. Then he was shocked that he had just told her, or at least he had said something that, when drawing conclusions, was like telling her, that he wanted to take it to a higher level.

"I know." She said softly, staring down on her hands. She sounded sad, but there was also a portion of relieve in her voice.

But was she relieved because he had used the term "higher level" or because finally one of them had found the strength to speak out loud what had been haunting her for a while now?

"I think this is the only thing I would not like about taking this to a higher level.", she said softly.

And the award for idiot of the year goes to…Me! Gil you have to learn that if you do not want to talk about a theme with her, you should not mention it! You know this woman…you know that taking this to a higher level is all she ever wanted to do with this…and you know that you are not ready! Why did I have to mention this? I should have known better! Now I have to respond to this! I have to react to this, she is watching me, she is waiting for me to do something! Do something, do the hell something, that is not destroying what has already been built up, but not building up something you can not pay the bricks for.

He closed his eyes. Took a deep breath. He felt that she was moving, but she was not taking her eyes off of him. He felt it. He knew it. He could tell it by the way she was breathing that she was looking at him. And he could tell that her heart was racing, beating hard in her chest. He knew it because he just felt the same. But he didn't know how she sat on the sofa now. He felt the heat of her body, he felt that she still sat on the sofa, but he couldn't tell if she had moved closer to him or away from him, if she was leaning back against the back of the sofa or if she was leaning forward.

When he felt her breath on his skin his questions were answered.

_What the hell is she going to do? Open you eyes and prevent it!_

He opened his eyes, her face was close to his, too close. Their lips almost met and he could almost taste her. His heart bet even faster, now they looked into each other's eyes. He could feel how deep she looked into him, and it felt uncomfortable. It was as if in this little moment, she was able to read everything inside of him, as if he was a book and by looking into his eyes she had opened the cover and was now able to flick through his pages. There were two options. Taking or turning. Would he pull the emergency brake, or would he give in to his desire and the temptation she was?

Before he was able to make his decision she turned away. She took a deep breath, she didn't seem to be able to face him anymore. _What did I do wrong?_

He reached out for her arm and softly touched her. "Sara…", he spoke softly, and in this moment it was all he was able to say.

"You do not want to take this to the next level.", she said softly. He could hear her saying these words…and he could feel her soul and heart breaking when she spoke them out. They left her mouth and hit his heart.

"I never said I would not want to…"

"…the eyes are the mirrors of our soul. And I could see in your eyes that all you wanted was to turn away.", she said and stood up.

And now he felt his heart breaking.

She wanted to leave, but he would not let her go. He grabbed for her hand and dragged her back down on the sofa. Realizing a little too late how raw he had done this. The shocked expression in her eyes told him that he had just made it worse with this desperate try to keep her close to him. He wanted to apologize, for everything, but he couldn't. He couldn't find the words…his head was empty and so was his soul.

She leaned back against the back of the sofa, she breathed deep and heavily. He was still sitting on the edge, still holding her hand, watching her. Her eyes were closed, she was shaking. He did not know what to say, and he did not know what he was doing when he let his hand slip up her arm to her shoulder, then to her neck, finally stopping at her cheek.

"What did I do wrong?", she whispered, her lips were trembling, she was obviously forcing back the tears.

"You did anything wrong.", he said softly. And now he the words were all there. "It's me, all me! I am sorry Sara. I know how much I hurt you, and as much as I want to change…as much as I try to change…while changing, I am still hurting you. And you do not deserve this. I am sorry for every thing I ever did to hurt you. I am sorry for every tear that ran down your cheeks, every single tear that I caused. I am sorry for every sleepless night you had because of me…I am sorry for every thought you wasted on me…Sara if you want to leave…you are free to go. I should not have tried to hold you back…but I am actually glad that I did. I had to apologize. I hope, I wish…I pray you to forgive me. And you _know_ why. And _I_ know that I should be able to tell you the reason, I should be able to speak it out, to form it into words and…or to simply use words that, every person has ever used so often before, but I never used them. I never spoke out those three little words that you want to hear from me. And it will take a long time until I will be able to say them. If you think that…you are still strong enough to wait for me…then I would be forever thankful. If you decide that all the pain I caused was enough, I will understand. What I can give you now, is not what you want to have. The only thing I can do now is not what you want me to do…I wish I could be the man you dream of, I wish I could be the man you deserve…"

"…you _are_ the man that I dream of.", her voice was soft, and so was the look in her eyes. Tears ran down her cheeks, but there was a smile on her lips. She placed her hand on his cheek and caressed it softly with her thumb.

She had interrupted him…and normally he did not like it to be interrupted when he made a speech…and he wasn't used to it either. But what she had said let him love her even more.

"You are the man that I dream of Gil Grissom.", she said again, now shifting her weight on her knees and kneeling on the sofa. "I don't know if I can wait.", she said softly. "But I will try…I mean I waited for the last ten years…I hate it when I did something in vain. I actually never give up fighting.", she said softly.

He felt his heart jump a little.

She leaned her forehead against his. Her eyes were closed, she breathed against his mouth and the pure thought of it let the butterflies begin to fly.

He closed his eyes, deciding to simply enjoy the moment with her, to enjoy the moment without regretting anything later, there was nothing wrong he could say as long as he kept his mouth shut, there was nothing wrong he could do as long as he didn't do anything. There was nothing wrong with being close to her…the only thing that was wrong was that he had thought he'd need an evidence to know how much he really loved her.

"You still didn't make it up to me.", she whispered softly.

"How can I ever make this up to you?", he whispered sounding even more desperate than he thought he was.

"The night isn't over yet…we can still pretend that we are still on our date."

_I don't see a sense in that…I destroyed this evening._

She stood up, now it was her who dragged him behind her. "Get your jacket…we are going for a walk."

_A walk? It's almost three AM…anyways…do not protest Gil! As long as she does not want you to make love to her behind a bush, as long as she does not force you to make out in a cab, as long as she is not forcing you to do something you do not really want to do, you keep your mouth shut! I was damn close to loose her tonight, and I wont risk it another time!_

They left the house and he shut the door behind her. "Where do you want to go?"

"Do you have your car keys?", she asked turning to him.

"Yeah…but driving is not walking." _And I wont test the back seats with you Miss Sidle._

"Let's drive somewhere."

"Where?"

"The desert."

_What for? It's cold and dark there…nobody is there and…is that her plan? After what I told her, would she try to seduce me in the back of my car, trying to get me away from public, to get me away from everything that could remind me of my life here to seduce me? Gil you are fantasizing! You should not think she would simply make one of your wildest dreams come true…this is what happens in dreams and not in real lives…at least not tonight._ He tried to push away the thoughts of them making out on the back seats of his car, like two young, wild teenagers. But this fantasy of him wouldn't leave him alone for a while.

They were driving since a couple of minutes now, he did not dare to look at her because he knew, one more look at her, still wearing that short, dark red dress, her hair not longer pinned up but curled and falling free into her face and lying on her shoulders, that soft smile on her lips that was not only driving him crazy and insane now, but had always done since the first second he had spotted the young woman in the first row of the audience room at Berkeley, …it would all bring him over the edge of what he could take right now. It would make him forget about everything he had just told her, he would forget himself and would pin her down on the back seats, making passionate love to her.

They drove almost thirty minutes when she told him to stop the car. He did so and watched her exiting it. She took off her shoes and put them on the passengers seat. "Will you come with me or are you going to stay in that car, simply staring at me?", she asked grinning.

_Okay, now we're back in teasing mood._ He grinned to himself and stepped out of the car.

He joined her on her on the other side of the SUV and followed her while she walked a few metres away from the car.

She finally sat down into the sand and he did the same. He didn't know what to do next, so he waited for her to do something. But she simply remained in silence, her thighs pressed against her chest, her arms twined around her legs, her head resting on her knees. When he noticed that she was shaking he took off his jacket and wrapped her into it. While his hands slipped over her body he felt he shivering even more. She turned to him, her eyes were dark and at the same time they were shining brighter than the stars.

The stars. Did she want to go here to watch the stars with him? Was she waiting for him to lay down on his back, because she just didn't know how to ask him to lay down? Was she afraid he would get it wrong? Was she thinking about this at all? Was she maybe just waiting for him to do something? Maybe she didn't know what to do either.

He decided that this time he should do something. So he laid down on his back and looked up to the sky. He had noticed that her eyes had followed his motions.

"Are you stargazing?", she asked softly.

_What else do you think I am doing? Sleeping while I am on a date with the woman I love?_

She moved over to him and laid down close to him, but not too close, he realized that she was exactly taking care that she was not too close to him. But just right now he wanted to be close to her. So when she lay on her back, her eyes staring up to the stars, he rolled on his side, placing his hand on her flat stomach and caressing her softly.

She immediately turned her head to him. She was obviously not trusting her senses anymore when she had felt his hand on her. And he wasn't trusting himself anymore, a thought that was scaring on the one hand…but on the other hand it was exciting him like nothing had ever done before.

Their eyes met and they remained in silence for a while.

"I thought you wanted to star gaze?", she asked whispering after a couple of minutes.

_I already do…_ The urge to kiss her grew bigger and bigger and he had to swallow it all too often. "Sara…", he whispered, again trying to find the right words, they were there in his head, but he did not know if he could really tell her what he felt. Now…it seemed to be the perfect moment, but at the same time it was not, because he had just told her that he wasn't ready yet.

She reached up and caressed his cheek, her thumb striped his lips and it did not happen by accident when it did again. "You have soft lips.", she whispered.

_This is not something I have to hear_, he thought. _Not now! Not in the moment that has been the most difficult moment of my life!_

"I do not kiss on the first date.", she whispered. "Just in case you were worried…I do not expect you to do something you do not want to do and I wi…"

She couldn't finish her sentence because Grissom had just done something he knew he would probably regret later.

He had pressed his lips on hers, his hand on her left cheek, almost framing her face. He was shocked by what he had done himself but he knew she was much more shocked than he was. They didn't move for a minute or even longer. They both totally forgot about time…then he softly pulled away from her. He swallowed hard, afraid to look into shocked eyes of hers when he would open his eyes. "I'm sorry.", he whispered. "I forgot myself." Hoping she would have calmed down by now he opened his eyes. But what he saw was different from what he had expected to see.

* * *

**TBC**

I hope you weren't disappointed by this chapter…like said before, I just couldn't do it better…

And I had said in the beginning there will be angst, fluff, fun and tears….well like in real life it can't always be that funny…I really hope you liked this chapter anyways….and I know it somehow ends with a little cliff-hanger….next chap will be on soon, I promise : )

and I hope there were not too many typos in it...sorry but I still can't think totally clearly :lol: ...those damned pain killers!


	13. changed

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing.

**AN:** I know...this chapter was due a long time ago, sorry for this! I couldn't help it...I am still suffering from a major writing blocade on this story...and I am sorry but I guess you can see this in this chapter. It is very short...barely 2000 words (sorry for that). But I already have quite good ideas for the next (and last) two chapters. So don't worry

**thanks to inlya and Teryl for just beeing there. And a big HELLO! to the GS Jedi knights : )**

* * *

**changed**

She placed her index finger on his lips. "Don't you dare to feel sorry.", she whispered.

"But…you said you…wouldn't…I mean…I…" _Oh Great Gil, first you kiss her, then you tell her that you regret it, you make her cry…and then you can not even bring out the words to justify yourself. You idiot._

He stared at her, his hand softly caressing her neck, without really noticing it.

"Can't we just forget about what we said?", she whispered pleading.

"I just, Sara…I have to explain it to you."

"I don't want explainations. They hurt. Can't we just…forget what we said and…remember this moment and…I promise that I…I mean I know that you did not mean to kiss me…but you do not have to tell me this…can't we just…", she pleaded, tears ran down her cheeks, they were sparkling in the moonlight.

It broke his heart. How in the world could he miss to realize how much it had hurt her, that he had told her he was sorry about this kiss? _I have to say something…I have to comfort her! I don't want her to cry!_

He wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. "I never meant to hurt you.", he whispered.

"I know.", she said softly. "There are always things that we don't want to do…but nevertheless, we do them, don't we?"

_She's mad at me._

She took a deep breath.

"I'm sorry Sara."

"You already said that."

_I am going to loose her if I am not finding the right words to fix this right now!_

But he couldn't find any words. She had all the right in the world to be mad at him. If there were no words, the only thing left was doing something. But he wouldn't kiss her again, it wasn't that he thought she might not want to be kissed anymore, it was more that he was afraid that this would cause something worse. But there was something else he could do…although he didn't know how long he could stand that without loosing the total control over his body.

His hand slipped over her body, caressing her softly when it had reached her hips. Then he dragged her even closer to him, snuggling against her. He looked into her eyes for a couple of seconds, then he buried his face between her shoulder and her neck.

She chuckled softly when he did so, his beard obviously tickled her. He couldn't help but smile to himself. It felt so good to be that close to her.

"Sara?", he whispered softly.

"Yeah?"

They remained in silence. He didn't know why he had spoken out her name, maybe he just wanted to make sure that she was real, that this was real. He didn't know. And for the first time in his life he didn't care for the reason. For the first time in his life he wasn't searching for the answer to his questions, for the first time in his life he managed to push all his doubts aside, to simply enjoy the moment.

He felt her fingers slipping over his back. It sent little showers of sensations down his spine. He lifted his head up and looked into her eyes.

She smiled softly.

"Don't be mad at me.", he whispered.

Her eyes widened, she sat up, looking at him. "Why do you think I'd be mad at you?", she asked shocked.

"I…I made you cry.", he said staring down to the ground, not able to look at her._I'm an idiot. Somebody should forbid me to be with women. I am going to break her heart one day! I will hurt her although I don't want to, I am going to destroy her life. She deserves someone better than me._

"Oh my gosh.", she sighed. "I…Gil I…I am not mad at you.", she took a deep breath, her voice was shaking and she tried to calm down. "It was just that…I mean…I know I said I wouldn't kiss on the first date. That was a lie…I actually don't lie, never, especially not to the person I…", she made a pause.

He wondered what she would say next. He held his breath, feeling his heart beating harder and faster.

"…I just…don't usually lie."

_Searching the fastest way out tonight Miss Sidle, do we?_ He grinned softly.

"If you keep on grinning like that I will become mad.", she threatened grinning.

"Oh, really?", he asked in a played unbelieving tone.

She chuckled. "You're different tonight."

"Different?"

She nodded. "You're…I don't know. I have noticed this a couple of times in the last months.", she said softly, becoming serious. "You…for a few moments you seem to forget about…everything else…it's as if there are two Gil Grissoms. One is…closed, totally pulling away from everybody else, and…the other one is…like the man I met in San Francisco."

"I changed.", _Why did she have to say this? Why couldn't she just let this moment never end? Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut and start this whole discussion?_

"Why?"

"I don't know…Sara people change. It happens.", _and even if I'd know for sure what the reason was, I wouldn't tell her. _

She bite down on her bottom lip, he wanted to reach for her hand but she pulled it away.

"Sara.", he said softly, pleading in his thoughts that she'd forgive him, that she'd forgive him whatever her had done to her.

"I told you that I wouldn't kiss on the first date because I didn't want to browbeat you. I…I knew that you don't feel comfortable with those things and I thought it would make it all easier and…then you kissed me…you did what I…I can't tell you how often I dreamed of kissing you…or being kissed by you…and then…you do it…and it felt so good and right…for one moment I thought that all the pain…all the doubts…all …just everything I've been through in the last years, wasn't in vain. But then you told me you regret it and…", she swallowed hard.

He could see the tears glistering in her eyes. He sat up, placing his hand on her cheek.

She turned away. "Don't touch me. You will regret it later for sure.", she said bitter.

"Sara…"

"…I think we should leave now."

"Sara, let me explain."

"You don't have to explain anything. I should have learned to never trust my heart. I thought this time…it would be different. I thought this time you wouldn't hurt me."

He swallowed hard. This felt as if she had just stabbed his heart with a dagger._ I have to do something, I have to say something! I am loosing her_…_I broke her heart! I am such a stupid idiot! _He wished he'd know what to do.He wished he could say something that would 'save the day' something that would make it all right. But he had to realize that sometimes there is no easy way out of things.

She stood up and walked back to the SUV, he followed her, cursing himself for destroying everything.

He unlocked the car and opened the door for her. She hesitated for a second, then she took a deep breath and was about to enter the car, when Grissom reached for her hand and made her stop.

She threw an questioning look at him.

"I have to tell you something Sara." , _it's now or never. If I am not telling her now I will loose her forever. There's no way I can get out of this without explaining it all to her. Life isn't always easy, I should be thankful that it's not harder than it already is._

She looked at him, her eyes were dark, first she hesitated, then nodded softly.

He sat down on the ground, his back leaning against the car, she did the same. They sat close to each other, he held her hand, caressing it softly with his thumb.

They remained in silence for a couple of moments, then he broke the silence. "I changed when I thought that I had lost you."

She turned to him, she was confused, probably more than confused. He had promised himself to never tell her about the feelings he had when she had been dating Hank Peddigrew, but if there was a way to explain her why he was the man he was now, then it was telling her the truth.

He softly squeezed her hand, trying to encourage himself to keep on talking. "I would lie if I'd say that I had no intentions when I asked you to come to Vegas. But I…never acted on those. I should have done so…but there was a huge…lack of courage, if you'd like to describe it like that. And there was something else…", he swallowed hard. "…I…I never knew how to…show my feelings to you. And…then you suddenly began to date this guy. I had…this idiotic thought that…I could keep you without doing anything. That you would always be there. I realized that you were not…and that you had a life in contrast to me. I…realized that you deserved better than me, that you deserved someone who could act on his feelings…I pulled away from you because I…I thought it would be easier for me then. But it wasn't. I just didn't know how to deal with it….I still don't. And I still think that you deserve someone better than me."

He could feel her pulse racing. And his was too. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the car. _Will she say something? What is she going to do now? If she says something…what will she say? Or will she simply leave…_

She began to caress his hand with her thumb and index finger.

His heart was racing. _Can't she simply agree or disagree? Can't she simply tell me what she thinks? Can't she simply…break this horrible silence?_

She softly leaned against his shoulder. Letting her body slowly slip against his chest, her bare shoulders invited his lips to kiss them, it was hard to bear this urge down. Now her head rested in his lap.

He opened his eyes and looked down to her, running his hand through her hair. Their eyes met and he felt the tension rising up between them.

He swallowed hard, this situation was demanding for more than just self control. Not only that he was close to go insane because she still hadn't said anything after his confession, but now her head was close, much too close to a place, where his blood loved to rush to, when she was near.

She reached up to his face and caressed his cheek.

_Can't she just say something? _

Now she closed her eyes, her hand slipping over his chest. He felt that he was close to explode. She was touching him in a way that was much too reminding of his dreams of her. The more he thought about it, the more difficult it was to keep control.

"Maybe you're right…but I want no-one else.", she said softly. "You can't change the way your heart tells you to go."

Their hands met and they twined into each other.

She smiled softly. "Thank you.", she sat up. "Thank you for telling me this." Her free hand caressed his cheek. "Thank you.", she whispered once again, looking into his eyes.

He felt butterflies in his stomach, more than he had ever felt before. He took a deep breath, wondering if he should say something now.

But before he could decide what to do next she stood up. "Let's drive back to your house.", she said helping him up.

He opened the car door for her once again. Watching her while she entered and then entered the car too.

They remained in silence for the whole drive, he wished he wouldn't have to let go off her hand. From time to time he reached for it and squeezed it softly. Each time when he did so, he could feel that she was smiling and looking at him.

He didn't know what would happen when they had reached his house, but at the moment he didn't care. At the moment he only cared for Sara Sidle, his Sara.

* * *

**TBC**

like I said...major writing blocade on this story...I am sorry if this chapter disappointed you. I promise that the next one will be better.


	14. cheating

**disclaimer:** I own nothing!

**AN:** I know it has been a long time! A long long long long...VERY long time! And I am so sorry! I had a huge writing blocade on this story. This chapter is, ...short,...and well, not the last one, but instead of the planned 17 chapters there will only be one more chapter. I'm very sorry for this, but I decided that the story is going to get boring when I'm dragging the storyline out for so long.

I apologize for typos and grammar mistakes...I'm kind of out of my mind today :wacko:

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**cheating**

"Damn! Hurry up."

He raised an eyebrow. Where did these sound come from?

He left his seat, leaving his office.

"Harder."

He could make out that it was her voice…, what drove him almost crazy. _What to hell is she doing? And with whom?_

He heard weird, suspicious sounds coming out of the lockers room, a person crashing against one of the lockers, groaning…his blood began to cook. What the hell was going on in there? What was Sara doing there? His personal worst case scenario was just happening, he had never thought she could ever do this to him, he had thought she'd never do something that would hurt him…_I trusted her! In that night three weeks ago we talked about everything, she was the only person I ever really opened up to and now she's doing this to me! She said it would be okay for her to wait! She said it would all be okay as long as we're together!_

He wondered what he should do…he couldn't just enter, could he? Catching her in the act…

"Damn! This hurts! Can't you be careful?"

"I just can't get it out.", a man answered half whispering in exhaustion.

_GREG! BASTARD!_

Without thinking about it one more second, totally driven by anger, frustration, jealousy and fury he opened the door, entering the room with a huge step. "How can you do this to…", he shouted out angry. _What the hell!_ He swallowed hard. _Ooops_

Sara was leaning against her locker, Greg's hands were fumbling with her belt buckle, while Warrick sat on the bench taking his shoes on.

Greg turned to him, so did Warrick and Sara.

"How can whom do what to whom?", Greg asked naïve.

_And the award for most stupid, jealous, embarrassing boyfriend goes to…"_Uhm…nothing…I…What are you two doing there?", he tried to ignore what had just happened, if they hadn't done before, now _everybody_ would suspect that something was going on between him and Sara, he was thankful that he hadn't finished his sentence, before he had seen that this wasn't a threesome but Greg helping Sara…_would have been even more embarrassing._ He looked at Sara, regretting that he had thought, that she could ever cheat on him. He knew, that she knew what he had thought was happening in here, and this made it even worse.

"Her belt buckle is jamming. I tried to help her opening it, there's something sticking between the…"

"…Grissom you don't have scissors somewhere, do you?", Warrick asked. "'Cause I don't want to be the next one who has to try to open it. This damned thing wont ever open up again…and first, I don't want to be rumoured to be a washout, and second, I don't want to be the number two on your 'whom to kill with looks' list."

_Why does everything I do or think or feel have to be so obvious to everyone else but me?_ He thought cursing himself for ever letting the thought of Sara, cheating on him with Greg, into his mind.

"Whom to kill with looks?", Greg asked still not getting what was going on.

Grissom cleared his throat…trying to also clear his mind. "I have scissors in my office…if you like to I can cut it.", he offered, wanting nothing more than leaving the room together with Sara so that he could apologize for his stupidity.

"Great. I guess now you can finally be freed Sara.", Warrick said laughing.

Sara followed Grissom out without saying anything. She followed him in silence until they had entered his office and she had made sure that the door behind them was closed.

"How could you just think I could do something like this?", she said sounding angry and frustrated.

"Sara I…"

"…Didn't I tell you, that you could trust me? Did I ever give you a reason to not trust me?"

"…I know, I…I'm an idiot…I…"

"…yeah."

"Sara…I just heard these sounds and…"

"…you heard sounds, so this is enough to judge me."

"I never judged you!", he desperately tried to defend himself.

"So suspecting me to be unfaithful, suspecting me to be cheating on you, is not judging?"

"Sara….I can understand that you are angry…"

"…no, I'm not angry. I'm disappointed. Grissom I thought we were on a level where…I mean I…I am trusting you blindly and you, you…you seem to…it hurts, that's all."

"Sara remember what I told you…try to understand me. I never trusted anyone before. Not even myself…", he stepped closer to her, his one hand dragging her to him. "…most of the things I told you…were things that I never told anyone else. I wouldn't have told you about them if I wouldn't trust you. It's just that I am…paranoid. A little, or a little more…definitely too much,…I …I have been hurt once, hurt so badly that I had promised myself to never trust in anything anymore. I'm afraid to loose you, I will never loose this fear, because _you_ are the best that ever happened to me Sara, and …I am scared to loose you! Because I usually always lost what I wanted to keep…and when I heard these sounds from the lockers room…I just…I…you know, I …I always told myself that the only thing I could never forgive, would be cheating. …and… this is just…the worst case scenario in my head and when I heard these sounds…and you must admit that they were really sounding as if, well you know. …and then, I just stopped thinking rationally.", he sighed.

Their eyes met, he ran his hand through her hair. "I don't want to loose you."

"You'll never get rid of me.", she leaned closer to him whispering into his ear.

_If we weren't in my office I'd kiss her now._ He sighed again. "Sara?"

She looked up to him. "Yeah?"

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"Don't say this…damn it would be easier if you'd be mad at me, if you'd be really angry…I can deal with anger…I'm not…good in dealing with disappointment."

She laughed softly. She began to caress his cheek softly, looking deep in his eyes. Softly the smile from her lips faded. "Hey, you're really desperate now, are you?"

"I…"

"…don't. Gil, I'm...I don't want you to worry about this, okay? These sounds were really sounding weird and, if I'd hear you making those sounds, behind a closed door and I'd suspect Sophia to be in there with you…I'd probably pull out my gun and…"

"…shoot me."

"Her.", she said laughing. "I'd do something else with you."

"I bet I don't want to know what you'd do."

"Well maybe you should, then it would be very easy for you to resist the temptation to ever look at another woman again, with those kinky thoughts every man has, when a tall blonde, who wears a skirt with the size of a belt, passes their way."

"I only get those thoughts when a tall brunette, wearing a jumpsuit, passes my way."

She laughed softly, a lovely smile on her lips. "I love you."

She had spoken softly, he had barely heard what she had just said. Had she said it at all? Was this just wishful thinking? Daydreaming? Or had she really told him that she loved him? If so, what was he supposed to do now? And what could he do?

His heart was racing, it felt like it had moved to his throat, beating so hard that he couldn't breath. _She said that she loves me….she loves me…she wouldn't have said it if it was a lie…she really loves me…Damn it Gil Grissom, do something! Say something! She just told you what you longed to hear from her for so long!_

But somehow he had feared it too, because he had known that he wouldn't know what to do, wouldn't know what to say, wouldn't know how to react. Never before a woman hat told him that she loved him. Never before he had loved a woman, and so he had never been in such a situation before.

Don't let the moment pass by without doing something! Don't let it seem as if you'd like to get out of this, as if you don't want to act on this. Come on Gil! Do something…damn it would be so much easier if we were in a restaurant, or her apartment, or my house or just somewhere else, everywhere else but at work!

"Hey guys there was…", Sophia entered, stopping in the doorframe. "…am I distracting you?"

_Damn! This woman is going on my nerves!_ "Actually yes, you are.", he said slightly irritated.

"It's just that there's new evidence and…"

"…I'll be there in 10 minutes, we'll just finish…discussing."

A few moments no-one said anything, Sophia looked from Grissom to Sara, from Sara to Grissom.

Sara swallowed hard, then cleared her throat. "Yeah, we were discussing…different methods of torture.", Sara wanted to step away from Grissom, but he grabbed for her hand.

Sophia shot an asking look at them. "Uhm…is there…"

"…this is none of your business, I'll be in the lab in ten minutes, close the door behind you please.", Grissom said strictly and turned to Sara.

Sara was kind of stunned. Grissom knew she was slightly shocked that he had just taken her hand in front of one of their colleagues, that he had just taken over the initiative, that he had done something that was showing the others that there was something between them.

"I'm sorry for the distraction.", he said softly, his hand lying on her cheek.

"Wasn't your fault.", she whispered.

_Two options, changing the subject or telling her what I feel…and this office is not the right place! Neither it's the right time._ "Different methods of torture?" _She's going to be even more disappointed! Tonight I'll have to do something about it…otherwise…I'll hurt her…I'm already hurting her again, for sure I am hurting her! Damn it Gil she just told you that she loves you, and you change the subject? You're such an idiot…you…_

"Yeah…I know a lot of them." She sad grinning.

"Like?"

She laughed softly, looking down to the ground, shrugged and then looked up to him again, her brown eyes shining in the light of the room, a beautiful smile on her lips.

"Come on, you made me curious, now you have to throw me a bone.", he said laughing, slipping his arms around her waist.

"Once…when I was…about 18, my best friend's boyfriend had been caught in the act with her roommate. One week later he asked _me_ out. I called my friend, told her about it…and then we had a plan. I invited him to my room, we were…not really making out, I mean, I played it…I took off his clothes, most of them, then I handcuffed him and blindfolded him…did you know that permanent hair-dye mixed with nine weeks old curd feels like cream? Anyways, then we took out some old bras and garters and stuff and dressed him up with these…then we took pictures and those were _accidentally_ found in the men's dressing room the next day. Though I think that the fact, that he couldn't wash off the stuff we wrote on his chest with the hair-dye, was much worse."

"I'm scared of you."

She laughed softly. "As long as you don't cheat on me there's no reason to be scared."

"What did you write on his chest_?" I bet I don't want to know._

"You don't want to know."

_I knew it_. He laughed softly.

"What's so funny?"

"Nothing, nothing….how came he didn't smell the hair-dye? He must have smelled it. …and why didn't he fight against you when you dressed him up with women's underwear?"

"Well, he…lost conscience somehow.", she shrugged.

"_Somehow_?"

"Well…I think it was the scent of the hair-dye mixed with the curd. But that's not proven."

They remained in silence for a moment. He softly caressed her back with his thumbs. They looked into each other's eyes for a couple of seconds, then she broke the silence.

"She's waiting for you in the lab.", she said softly.

He nodded. "I know.", he sighed. "Sara…about…what you said…before Sophia distracted us…"

"…it's okay."

"It's not… I just don't want to talk about it here…let's have dinner tonight. At my house, I'm going to cook for you." He softly released her from his embrace and stepped back, a soft smile on his lips.

"Okay.", she said smiling.

He nodded, softly dragging her closer to him again, gently kissing her on her forehead. Then he walked over to the door.

"Uhm, Grissom?"

_Did I do something wrong? Please, God, make that I didn't do something wrong! Please!_ He swallowed hard, turning around. "Yeah?"

"Scissors…"

"…hell yeah!", he sighed relieved. "In the first drawer of my desk, somewhere in it."

She nodded, a soft smile on her lips. "Thanks."

He winked and left his office.

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**TBC**

**I hope you enjoyed reading this at least a bit.**

**next chapter will be on soon, I hope I can finish it in the next week!**


	15. cuts

**AN:** last chapter! ...don't know if this is like most wanted it to be...but I have a lot of stuff going trough my mind...I wanted this to be finished before the surgery...so here it is.

**Dedicated** to **Alex**, **Meggie**, **Claudi** and **Meli**!

Thousand thanks to everyone who ever reviewed this story! I hope you enjoyed reading the previous 14 chapters...and I hope you like this last chapter.

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**Cuts**

What's the difference between self made dinner and take out, he wondered. But he had promised her to cook. What was a problem…because he knew that his cooking skills were less than bad. He could cook for himself, that wasn't a problem…because he never really cared about how things tasted…but cooking for her…he wanted it to be perfect, she deserved it. He flicked through the pages of a cookbook which had been bought 10 years ago and had still been shrink-wrapped until today.

He tried to find something that would be easy to make, but look and taste as if it had taken hours to make it…but he soon got the feeling that such a meal didn't exist.

He decided that the easiest to start with was a salad, he had bought French-dressing and vegetables…knowing that he wouldn't get her full with only a salad he decided that he'd make some pasta. That was the only thing he could really cook, except for scrambled eggs.

Before he was half finished with the cooking process the doorbell rang. He glanced at his watch. _Damn._

Walking over to the door he cleaned his hands with a towel that he tossed into a corner afterwards.

He took a deep breath. _Today's the day!_ He hadn't been able to think of anything else. He had almost cut off his finger when he had been chopping the cucumbers…had forgotten about salting the water for the noodles and had to start again…

He opened the door. His heart almost jumped when he saw the bright smile on her lips.

"Hey.", she said softly, entering without waiting for any invitations. Probably she knew that he was just too stunned…not able to say anything.

He stared at her. She wore black trousers and a white blouse, her hair was pinned up with a white satin flower barrette, some curled strands of hair loosely fell into her face when she softly tilted her head to the right. She looked so beautiful. He had imagined her to look good tonight, but not _that _good. Why did a young, beautiful woman like her want him? He had tried to lock this question out of his mind for weeks, but he just couldn't understand it in this moment. She was so much and he was almost nothing.

"I'm early…sorry.", she said with the same bright smile on her lips, her voice sounding sweet as honey.

"It's okay…", he cleared his throat. "…the dinner is not ready yet though. I hope you're not already starving."

She laughed softly, coming closer to him. "I'm not…it's okay. Can I help you with something?"

"I said I'd be cooking for you…so I will do all the work. You can take seat over there, chill out until I finished. Can I get you something to drink?"

"No…thanks."

Grissom went back to the kitchen, watching her while she sat down on the sofa.

_I totally messed this up! I should have told her how great she looks tonight, should have told her that I'm happy that she's already here! Should have told her…that I couldn't get her out of my mind the whole day, that I couldn't think clear and that this is the reason that dinner's not ready yet._

"Do you like onions in your salad?"

She looked up. "Sure…are you sure that there is nothing I could help you with? I could set the table."

_Set the table! I wanted to set the table! Damn! This evening is going to be a disaster! _

She stood up and walked over to him, leaning against the kitchen counter she tilted her head for a couple of seconds, smiling softly. "Are you okay?"

He sighed. "I wanted this to be perfect. But I actually am a horrible cook. So it took me hours to get an idea about what to cook for tonight…I wanted it all to be perfect for this evening."

"I was too early, this is not your fault."

"You weren't too early.", he said softly. "I was too late."

"You'll never be.", she said softly, touching his cheek with her hand, caressing it with her thumb. "And I am sure that you can cook. And even if it doesn't taste, I wont tell you.", she said smiling.

_I love her!_ "I'll be finished with the salad in ten minutes. The noodles and the sauce are going to be finished five minutes later. There are some magazines on the table, feel free to read them.", he said and winked.

"Magazines with…pictures as bookmarks?"

_I can't believe she just brought this up!_ "You…"

She chuckled. "I know that I'm mean." She took one of the magazines and sat down on the sofa again.

He started to chop the onions, he hated chopping onions. He heard her flicking through the pages, he could hear her breathing…he looked up, watching her for a couple of seconds. When she brushed a strand of hair out of her face, he wanted nothing more to take her face into his hands, wanted nothing more than hold her close to him, he wanted to be the one tobrushthis strand of hair out of her face, and then he wanted to kiss her red lips, wanted to touch her, caress her, kiss every inch of her body…he wanted her to be closer to him than she ever had been.

Suddenly a pang ran through his body. He looked down to his hands, his fingers were covered with blood. "Damn!"

Sara jumped up. "What's wrong?"

He searched for a towel and pressed it on the wound. "I cut my finger…", he said grimacing with pain. "…there are band-aids in the second drawer over there…could you get me one?"

"Sure.", she opened the drawer, grabbing for the plasters. She opened the box, taking out one of the plasters. "Put down the towel."

He did so, she took his hand into hers, looking at the wound for a second. "It's deep, maybe you should get stitches.", she said worried.

"It's okay Honey."

She looked up for a second, but he didn't even realize why. "It doesn't look okay to me."

"It doesn't even hurt anymore.", he tried to be convincing.

She sighed, then carefully wrapped the band aid around his finger. She didn't let go off his it when she had finished. She softly caressed him with her thumb and index finger. Then she slowly looked up to him. "Are you sure that it's okay?"

"Yes…but I doubt that the onions will still taste after this."

She reached up for his cheek with her other hand.

He had noticed that his eyes had been filled with tears because of the onions, but he hadn't realized that those were now running down his cheeks.

She wiped away some of them with her thumb.

They looked into each others eyes for a long moment. Heat rose up in him. Never the touch of a woman had felt this good on his skin. He let his free hand slip around her waist, gently dragging her closer to him. "I love you Sara.", he spoke softly, but he knew that she could understand him. Her eyes were shining in the dimmed light of the room, her bottom lip was trembling softly, her hands began to shake…and so did his.

Their lips came closer to each other and slowly the gap between them was closed. They shared a long and passionate kiss. His tongue slipped over her lips, then she invited it in, massaging it with hers. He felt his heart jumping, beating fast, hard…this was better than anything he had ever experienced before…so much better.

After their lips loosened from each other she twined her arms around his neck, her face resting on his shoulder. His arms were wrapped around her, he caressed her back with his hands, loving the feeling of her breath on his skin.

Then she began to kiss his neck, she opened his shirt, her hands slipped under it and caressed his chest. He felt a cold shower running down his spine. He loved the feeling of her touch, it felt right…but it also felt wrong. He knew what she wanted. And he wanted it too…_but you don't eat dessert before you didn't finish main course. _But Sara didn't seem to care about this. Her hands slipped down to his belt buckle, she was about to open it when he reached down for her hands. "Sara…we shouldn't do this…not now."

"Why?", she asked softly, freeing her hands, reaching up for his cheek. She caressed it softly, her eyes searching for his.

There was this desperate, disappointed expression in her eyes, it hurt him to see her like this…to know what she felt right now...

"You say you love me…why…don't you want me then?"

He sighed. "Sara, I do love you…more than anything else! I'm…just afraid that…if we go too fast, then…"

"I think we waited long enough, don't you think?"

"You got a point there…but Sara, try to see this with my eyes. I…I have not been in a relationship with a woman for years! I…I am not as self confident as you are."

She chuckled from frustration. "I am not self confident when it comes to you."

"You're young, beautiful…and I am, old, I…"

"…stop this.", she whispered, beginning to kiss his neck again. "I wouldn't be running after you since 10 years if I wouldn't feel attracted to you."

_To hell with these doubts! Be a man Grissom! Get what you want!_ His hands slipped under her blouse, softly caressing her stomach and back. He pressed her against the wall, kissing her passionately. He fumbled with the buttons of her blouse, his eyes never letting go off hers.

"Are you sure that you want to do this?" he asked, knowing that even if she would say that she wasn't, he wouldn't be able to stop anymore…not at this point.

"Hell yes.", she moaned in a low voice.

He carefully took off her blouse, looking at her for a couple of moments, watching how she breathed, slowly, deeply…

She took off his shirt, her hands slipped over his bare chest, her eyes followed their moves.

His hands slipped down to her belt buckle, he tried to open it…

…but it was jammed.

He cleared his throat, not knowing what to do now. He wouldn't move an inch away from her, because then she would be able to see where all his blood had been rushing to. "Honey…we've got a problem."

She opened her eyes, it took her some time until she realized what he meant. "Damn."

"You should definitely stop wearing belts."

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**_Epilogue_**

_Sometimes it needs an accumulation of little things…sometimes it needs a lot of little things…sometimes it needs only a few….you never know, you only know that one day it might happen. It does happen…just accept that things change, there are only two possibilities…it can either get better or worse…you will never find out if you don't try. You can loose a lot…but you might win the world._

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**THE END**

Thanks for reading. Thanks again to everyone who ever reviewed! I would mention everyone here...but I'm afraid to miss someone! I am kind of out of my mind today!

I hope you liked this last chapter at least a bit...my lack of funny ideas might be a result of my mood...anyways, thanks a lot to everyone!


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